Friday, February 16, 2007

How to Pick Me Up at the Red Dot This Weekend

Hi Boys -

I DEMAND to get laid this hear that!

Ok, this is how you can pick me up at the Red Dot:

1. Pay the Standard Flat Fee

This is the quickest option. Cash. In advance. No kissing, no fucking. Done.

2. Buy me a drink and tell me I look pretty

This can easily get me to talk to you for the length of time it takes me to drink a Corona. If I'm chugging it, then you're boring me....

3. Invite me back to your hot tub.

This is a really good's very retro '70's and Scandinavian and makes me feel like I'm Elke Sommer. But I do expect fondue, it just goes with a hot tub. Dark chocolate and bananas or cheese, please. Dairy on a date is not a good idea.

4. Fix my basement.

I have this wall that needs to be mended, I need a few more structural beams. I'll totally have sex with you if you can do these things....even if you're a woman. Done.

How NOT to pick me up at the Red Dot:

These are things that have been said to me at the Red Dot. My typical response is that I giggle like a 10-year-old Japanese school girl. But, now I'll let you know what I was thinking:

HIM: Your face is very IRONIC.

ME: Um...thank you?
(what do you say to this one?)

HIM (angry): You are NOT ENGAGED in this conversation! Why are you NOT engaged?

ME: hehehe....titter....sorry...
(OK, YOU just spent the past 10 minutes of my life complaining about the Hasidim in Brooklyn, and you're annoyed because I'm not engaged in your conversation? Go rent "The Hebrew Hammer", then talk to me. Shabat Shalom, Motherfucker!!)

HIM: Are you bored? You know, this is HUDSON. This is NOT MANHATTAN. This is as good as it gets....

ME: hehehe...titter...sorry..
(Well, I'm in HUDSON, and I'm FABULOUS, thus, Hudson is FABULOUS).

You know what, on second thought, maybe I'll just stay home with the dog this weekend....

This is Elke Sommer, if you didn't know....if I'm sitting at the bar at the Red Dot, this is the expression I will have on my face. Totally.


Anonymous said...

So I guess a fifth way to pick you up at the red dot (OK, at first I thought it was some kind of thrift shop or hardware store or something) is to tell you that you remind me a lot of Elke Sommer! The big eyes, the beguiling, expressionless face that says "I'm so bored with men, but excited by your big fat lips -I can just see myself squatting on them!" :)

Anonymous said...

While Miss Sommer is very attractive, I am not sure why she is in this blog. Are there no beguiling and cerebral photos of Matthew Rush at your disposal?

Plus, the photo you chose, while coveying Miss Sommer's dramatic ability, does not covey her natural talents in their fullest.

Anonymous said...

Alana looks really foxy from the rear in the pic... WERQ!

Aaron said...

what is everybody anonymous, wtf m8. you know someone would tell me that my face look IRONIC. granted that has never happened to me but it probably will. you will probably tell me that. i did once get into a debate in a men's bathroom at Metropolitan in Williamsburg about how everybody in Albany is on Xanax. some suck dick in a bathroom and swap manjuice, not i. after i talked to my friends they assured me that was true. le sigh...