Friday, March 16, 2007

Rhoda Morgenstern in Minnesota

First of all, I'm SO DRUNK right now....

Two shots of Sambuca at the Red Dot, and I can hardly type...

Ok...here we go...this is good..and TOTALLY true....I don't even have to make it up....

I have this huge suitcase, which is half the size of my apartment in Manhattan. Well, it's big enough for a dead body. Ok, I exaggerate. It's big enough for the dead body of a CHILD, or an under-aged teenager.

I brought the suitcase with me on the Amtrak. Mistake

I get off the train and there's all this FUCKING SNOW!! Folks, it's March 15th. Enough with the snow, ya know.

I instantly felt like Rhoda Morgenstern in Minnesota.

"I figure in the cold, I'd stay betta."

I'm dragging this HUGE friggin' suitcase in a foot of snow, from the train station.

Cabs? There are no fucking cabs. Please....

I'm yelling at myself:

"Rich, you WANTED a house in upstate New York. Well, this is what you get! There's a foot of snow! Dave and Paul got a house in Fire Island....you could have done THAT...but NOOOOOOO....YOU wanted to be different...YOU wanted to be a pioneer...yeah, up-fucking-state New York, where it snows in the middle of March! Are you happy? Are you happy now?"

This must have been what Rhoda Morgenstern felt like in her first winter in Minnesota.

"MA! BREN! Why d'ya let me move to Minneapolis?!"

WHAT am I doing here?

So, it's me and this suitcase - FILLED WITH DILDOS! See the Box-o-Dildos post below.

Why I lug a suitcase full of dildos around with me, I have no idea.

And don't forget the anal balloon pump...you NEED that....

I heard my father yelling at me.

He would yell at my mother:

"Why do you need ALL these SHOES? You only have TWO FEET?"

Now, in my head, he's yelling at me:

"Why do you need ALL these DILDOS? You only have ONE ASSHOLE!"

Yes, Dad, I know....

Fine. It's me, a foot of snow, and a huge suitcase of dildos.




(omg-this is ALL TRUE...happened tonight).

A snow plow pulls up along side of me.

I'm thinking, great, now I'm going to be robbed by a guy driving a snow plow.

Watch, tomorrow, I'm going to be raped by a guy driving a Zamboni..
. Anyway, he opens the door and says,

"Do you need a lift?"

I was like "YES! That's great!"

I couldn't believe it ---- the kindness of strangers!!

He drove me the few blocks to my house, the suitcase o'dildos between us.

I thanked him profusely

As I was getting out, he said,

"here, I want to you to have this...."

uh...oh, 'here's the catch', I thought...

But, at this point, it really didn't matter, I would've sucked the guy off. I mean really, he gave me a ride, why not? I've done more for less...

Anyway, he handed me a slip of paper.

I don't know what it says....I haven't read it yet....it's something religious.

Whatever-- Jesus, Buddha, L. Ron Hubbard, whatever this guy believes in is OK with me.

He gave a stranger a ride in his car. He's a good guy. Peace be with him.

I thanked him.

But I guess I could have given him a dildo. I had a few extra.

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