Sunday, April 1, 2007

Spending money in Hudson

I hate Greenport. It's a bunch of strip malls.

It's ugly.

Sorry if you live there.

I'm much happier on State Street, with the drug dealers.

Since people have been shopping in Greenport for so long, there are some things that you CANNOT buy in Hudson, like a shower curtain. You can't buy one at the CVS and the hardware store doesn't carry them. I'm forced to go to Greenport, or my floor gets wet.

And buying groceries in Hudson is not easy, either. Luckily, though, I hardly eat.

I stopped at a Mom and Pop hardware store in Greenport with my obnoxious prissy bottom friend, "Miss Priss". I don't know why we hang out....

I'm looking at a shower curtain, about to buy it.

"You know, you can buy the same one at Walmart for half the price."

"OK, how many times do I have to say it? I don't shop at fucking Walmart."

"You just waste your money."

"Fuck you. You just spent $70 today on a POT!"

"It's a fabulous saucepan! It'll last forever."

"Yeah, well, the one I bought at the Second Show for $2.50 has ALREADY lasted forever. It's like 30 years old, and still works."

"But it's all dented..."

"It sits in the cupboard most of the time. Who cares?"

"Well," said Miss Priss, "you spend so much money on VEGAN pancake mix and your dog eats only organic dogfood! And then you make fun of me for spending money on a saucepan!"

"That's different. My purchases are on PRINCIPLE. Every dollar you spend has an impact on someone or something - somewhere! The merchants, the laborers, the environment, the animals...I did all my Christmas shopping this year in Hudson. I found everything I needed in town. Most, at the Knotty Woodpecker..."

"So, don't make fun of me for my purchases! You know, some of us like to have nice things. My new kitchen counters make me VERY happy."

"Yeah, well, if you got up off your lazy fat ass and went out of the house every now and then, and stopped watching TV, maybe you'd find someone who'd fuck your ass and you wouldn't be searching for happiness in COUNTERtops! Instead, you'd find yourself a REAL top!"

There was a long, silent pause.

"Are you done? Or is there anything else wrong with me today?"

"I'm done....for now..."

"Fine. I'll meet you outside."

I hate Greenport.

Open up a health food store in Hudson already. What the fuck?


dan in hudson said...

It's so eerie, I've had the same scene play out almost exactly the same way about a dozen times... Mine usually ends with some tired queen saying "they've TRIED having a food store in Hudson. It didn't work."


Diego said...

You should open a porn studio in Hudson. This huge complex, you'd pay like $150 on rent probably. It could be the Van Nuys of the East Coast.

Anonymous said...

Diego, I think you're on to something here. $150 month rent will get you access to MY dungeon... er... basement...