Albany - Does it even Exist?

Yes, it looks like there's just a few days left to register for the march in Albany on May 1st.

If you're around you should go. Click here for the link to register.

The problem with this lobbying day is that, well, it's in Albany.

Can't we lobby from Fort Lauderdale? Or Barcelona?

Even Elizabeth, New Jersey. We can all go to Ikea afterwards. Fun!

But Albany? The city's a little depressing, no?

My friend from Ft. Cayhuengaschlossonga or some similar hard-to-spell upstate city doesn't understand WHY I don't want to go out to the gay bars with him in Albany.

I'm like, babydoll....Albany?

If I'm going to travel THREE hours from Manhattan to go to a gay bar, then I'm on a plane and I'm in Miami Beach. $99 Jet Blue, roundtrip. Done.

You have to understand that for most Manhattanites, upstate New York does not exist.

Like, we don't even know.

For some, there's an imaginary line at 59th street, and they do not go above it. For others, it's 207th Street, for some, it's somewhere in Westchester.

But beyond Westchester? No idea. We don't even know those other counties above Westchester, before you get to Hudson....what are they again? Oh, I don't know. I don't care. It doesn't even matter.

Just get on the train at Penn Station and get off when they tell you you're in Hudson.

Let me try to explain how a Manhattanite views upstate New York.

It's like this; once, I was at a party downtown, and this guy from Kentucky was trying to explain something to me.

"Where I'm from, Louisville, you can say it three different ways...."

"Oh really?", I said in my Bea Arthur deadpan. I was so bored.

"Yeah! You can say it LouEEville, or LouISville, or some say LouAHville. How do y'all New Yorkers say it?"

I thought for a second, then said,

"Actually, we don't. We have no reason to say it. I've never heard of it."

You come FROM Kentucky. You don't go back. After you leave, it just don't exist anymore.

Like Albany, does it exist? I don't really know.

I mean, I KNOW it's the state capital...but really? State capitals are not known for being fabulous. Have you been to Sacramento? Awful. A big prison, there's a pawn shop every other corner. The city's so dry, your skin flakes off. The only thing good about Sacramento is that it's close to San Francisco.

Trenton? The state with the highest income per capita also has a low-class state capital. You would die. Or, be shot. Once again, just go to Elizabeth.

Hartford? Make sure your life insurance is up to date before you go.

I know, my friend and interior designer says that there's a fabulous mall in Albany (a MAWL in AWLbany as we say on Long Island). He vows to take me there, kicking and screaming, if he has to.

Fine. I'll go.

But, about this march for equality, can't I just write a letter?