Deconstructing the Register-Star

Agnes is a gardener who knows the good dirt.

What else do you do when you're an over-educated faigeleh in a small town diner and the local guys are giving your capri pants dirty looks? You think that you're superior and you deconstruct things. Here we go:

From the Register-Star, June 30, 2007;
"Sex offender arrested for failing to report his new address"

Okay, fine, I'll tell you where I live...

Actually, there's this guy in Livingston known as "Night Mike Cowboy" sentenced to one to three years in state prison for raping a 16-year-old girl in Ithaca.

I called Agnes, our Hudson living-on-the-streets reporter. Agnes is a old Hudson whore, and remembers the glory days of Hudson.

Until GayHudson.com Tshirt sales pick up (be the first in your WARD to wear one!), we pay Agnes in cigarettes and scratch-off lottery tickets. How she earns cash, you don't want to know....

GayHudson.com hired Agnes because she used to work at the Register-Star....and still has the keys!

I asked Agnes to look into this sex offender story. Apparently, the sex offender "tip" to the police came from Miss Priss, a 40-something gay man, antique store owner, and the president of Hudson B.O.O.B., Hudson's Bottom Owned and Operated Businesses.

Miss Priss, in her South of Warren Street home

In seems that Miss Priss found out that there was a TOP in town and needed to find his address and phone number, by any means necessary.

Agnes went to the antique store this morning and asked Miss Priss, what was she thinking?

Miss Priss responded,

"My MANgina is just as tight as a 16-year old girl's VAgina!"

Miss Priss' employees, standing behind her, just rolled their eyes.

Anyway, when you type "sex offender" into google, this guy's photo appears. (All the information is out there, folks...)

Click here for more details:
RACE: White SEX: Male DOB: 5/12/1984 AGE: 21 HGT: 5'10" WGT: 145 EYE: Brown HAIR: Blonde

He targets adolescent males. You "South of Warren queens" should call him, you already have something in common. He's in Oregon, so don't get too excited...

In the Register-Star, there's a "USA Weekend" insert.

On page two, there's an "article" on actor James McAvoy



(First question, who's cuter, this actor, or the convicted Oregon boy molester above? Tough one, huh?)

Anyway, the Register-Star insert "article" was entitled:

4 Things to know about Scottish actor James McAvoy

"--On being a sex symbol: "Women aren't throwing themselves at me any more than usual, although my wife (actress Anne-Marie Duff) throws herself at me."

OK, this guy's an asshole. He needs to be tied down to the bed, slapped around, spit on, then, a huge dildo forced up his ass. Raw. No lube. He needs some humiliation. Bring him to the Red Dot naked with a collar and leash -- as if anyone would notice....

Point #3 of the article is:

--On co-star Jolie: "Her life is incredibly difficult for many reasons, but she's really nice and normal."

OK, now the problem I have with point #3 is that the "article" is called 4 Things ...about... James McAvoy...I guess one of the things we need to know about James McAvoy is his viewpoint on Angelina Jolie. They could not come up with four interesting things about this guy, so they published his Angelina Jolie opinion.

Oh, and by the way, McAvoy, you think Angelina Jolie's life is difficult?

Please.

Talk to Agnes. She'll tell you about difficult, she's lived in Hudson her whole life.

Hello.