Thursday, August 23, 2007

Craigslist Ad du Jour

Ya gotta love it....

Craigslist ads are raw. Raw sexuality. Raw emotion. Raw horniess. It is America. It's where we are, sexually, as a culture; gay, straight, whatever. The 'whatever' is the amazing part. Straight guys who want a dildo up their ass. Gals willing to strap it on. It's trannies, "massages", money, commerce, drugs, sex.

....the wife is away, play with me and my boyfriend, only available until 10, looking for now.....

CL is full of people looking to fulfill their desires. Now!

In life, in general, most people are actually afraid to say what they want. They are afraid to offend, even their lifelong partners. I mean, what is life other than an exploration into ourselves? Isn't a partner the person to help you explore your sexual side also?

On Craigslist, you say exactly what you want.

It's a Kinsey study.

It's good reality porn and sociology at the same time.

And for the record, I am not devaluing it. I think Craigslist is fabulous! I am saying, "this is where we're at. It is what it is." No value judgements. Most people, just because it has to do with sex, drugs, and/or rock and roll will devalue it, either consciously or not.

Once you strip away the onion layers of our personalities, pretensions, the facades of who we think we should be (the "What do you DO?" question at dinner parties.), Craigslist is actually who we really are and what we really want, at least sexually. Maybe not all of us, but many, it is a cross section....

[Aside: Whenever someone asks me, "What do I DO?", I make them further explain. Why should the assumption be 'what do I do to earn money?'. Maybe it's - What do I do to be happy? What do I do in bed? What do I do to annoy people? Many people define themselves by their profession, I don't. By the way, the answer to that last question, what do I do to annoy people? This blog!]

Anyway, back to CL.

So, here's a fav I just found.

You're the all-American dad, walking around campus with your family in tow, taking your spoiled brat to college orientation. But I saw you checking me out a few times right in front of your family. Polo shirt, shorts, sandals, nice tan. Yeah, you. I know you are a douche bag and you want one of your kid's friends to breed your ass.

25, 5'8, 165, DDF here you be too.

"breed your ass". That's sweet, isn't it? Feel the love.

And "douche bag". Very 80's Long Island.

"Don't be a douche bag! Meet me at 'Spencer Gifts' later! Eck"

Love it.

And for our heterosexual readers....I mean,'s something for you. Ya gotta love it, folks.


Yes, you heard me right. Unlike all these other gods-gift-to-women posting here, I'm not gonna tell you how friggin' awesome I look.

Cuz I don't. In fact, I'm kind of a troll.

I'm all of five foot five inches, (Man, I hate f--kin' parades)

And that head of hair you girl love? I got it. I comb the few stringy stands I've got left over my mostly bald head. Nice!

And although I shower twice a day, and use some fancy-ass cologne some part-time hooker turned cosmetics tester sold me on the first floor of Bloomie, I gotta admit, I don't smell so good either.

Overall impression? Think Danny De Vito in a very, very expensive suit.

So physically not so impressive.. And come to think of it, my personality's not so hot either. I'm kinda loud, kinda want what I want. (Waiters like me tho, cuz I tip big)

So that's me. All in all, not a pretty picture.

You on the other hand? You are are friggin' gorgeous!

Your hair is like spun silk, your skin is flawless. You manage the incredible trick of being incredibly busty while having the tiniest, nipped in waist. You've got legs that go on for days. You're witty and smart and a brilliant conversationalist. . .well that last sentence is optional,
Can't say I care much about that.

And despite the fact that you're the beauty and I'm the beast, you will go to bed with me. And you will do pretty much whatever I want.


Well, for starters, I've got a great job (investment banking, what a surprise) and make a lot of money.

I also have a nearby apartment I'm not using. And a bunch of cash and a couple of credit cards
I'm not using either.

And I'd be happy to give you the apartment and cash and credit cards I'm not using.

By now, you've probably figured this generous offer isn't simply so you can have the privilege of living in my place, spending my money and watching my credit card balances grow. No, I would expect that in exchange for these privileges you will gladly, willingly and enthusiastically fulfill my deepest desires, especially of a sexual nature.

Let's call it an arrangement.

In order to qualify for this arrangement, I'll need to see several clear photos of you, both face and body.And please don't give me any excuses about the craigs list size limit. If you don't have the brains to figure out how to reduce the size of your photo, you're disqualified. If I'm interested, I'll get back to you, if I'm not, I won't.

Okay, I think I said it all. See you soon


Anonymous said...

"And for the record, I am not devaluing it."

How could you devalue Caiugslist? Isn' it free?

Anonymous said...

Craigslist IS free... which is why it attracts only the ugliest sketchiest personals ads...

I mean, would you really have sex with someone who can't afford to pay the $5 a month or whatever for a legitimate online dating/hookup/Christian singles site?

Keep seraching Craigslist, I'm sure you'll find Agnes' ad somewhere...

aaron said...

Rich in thought: "Who the fuck does that girl think he is"