Tuesday, January 15, 2008

"JEW-CY!" Notes from a Shiksa

Where are all the Jews in Hudson?

No wonder this town is struggling! Hudson needs more Jews!!

OY VEY!

I looked into the Hudson Library to try to find out WHY the synagogue on Warren Street is now a Baptist church.

There's been a plan all along....move the Jews to the outskirts of Hudson.


The plan was put together during the recent Hudson revitalization, all orchestrated by Hudson's B.O.O.B., the Bottom Owned and Operated Businesses.

Move the Jews out of town, let the WASPS pay full retail.

Someone said to me this weekend...

"Maybe he's anti-Semitic. Maybe he doesn't want to date a Jew?"

WHAT ?!?

Not date a Jew? Are you insane?

All of us Long Island girls are raised to date Jewish boys!

How else were you EVER going to get out of Massapequa?

Massapequa - it's insane!

  • Find a nice Jewish husband (reform - they'll marry goyim.)
  • Move to Great Neck.
  • Get the kids into private school.


Jewish guys come pre-packaged. They know how to treat a gal - like a princess!!

Bring out the Catholic school girl dress, and the world is yours!

TREIF!

You naughty little shiksa!

Seriously, I was 13 before I ever met a Protestant.

Some Pentecostal family moved in down the block.

They weren't Italian or Jewish.

Who were they? They had such strange customs. It was odd.

It was easy to fuck with the Protestants, since they had no exposure or immunity to guilt.

A level two guilt-trip would send them crying.

You would hear mothers yelling out onto the street, "Anthony, Miriam, stop teasing the protestants! Just leave them alone, what did they ever do to you? You're doing this to kill me, aren't you!?"

Bring the Jews back to Hudson!

Harvey Fierstein was in town this week.

It's a good sign. There's hope.

51 comments:

Agnes said...

Jews? I love Sunny Delight!

Rose Marie said...

There's no hope for either of you. Seriously!

Anonymous said...

That's not Harvey Fierstein.

That's Rosie O'Donnell as Tevye.

Anonymous said...

I don't know. But it's a tradition...

Trixie said...

We can't get any good bagels in Hudson, either!

Anonymous said...

Chicago, America? We are going to New York, America. We'll be neighbors.

But not Hudson, America! Not Hudson, America.

Agnes said...

I had me a bagel once. It tasted like a stale donut. Big Momma gave me a crispy cream once from her handbag. Now that I liked. Hudson needs a super deluxe crispy cream shoppe. Now that would revive the town. People would drive from miles around to fill their escalades with crispy creams. Theyd be doubleparking up and down Diamond Street just like the old days.

Anonymous said...

LET'S PUT ON A SHOW!

Fiddler on the Roof. An all-drag/drag king Fiddler on the Roof.

Cast it in Hudson. This will be easier than trying to cast "ALICE" at the Red Dot!

Produce it at Stageworks. Glamorous costumes by Edith Head. Just have someone in to the fix the "roof" first - in Hudson, he's bound to fall through.

Anonymous said...

OY GAVALT!

This website is MESHUGGINA!

Anonymous said...

Trixie can have the big solo!

"Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Make me a match,
Find me a find,
catch me a catch..."

And Edith can whip up something really "Cher at the Oscars" for her to wear for the number!

Anonymous said...

OH GAVOTTE!

This website is MASSAPEQUA!

aaron said...

the LIRR is less of a hassle than Amtrak.

Anonymous said...

please....have you HEARD Trixie sing?

Trixie said...

FUCK YOU!

Have you heard HARVEY sing?

Edith at Work said...

(puts down the martini)

i see pink chiffon and sparkles

(picks the martini up and walks away)

Anonymous said...

Trixie, oh Trixie,
Have I made a match for you!
He's handsome, he's young!
Alright, he's 62.
But he's a nice man, a good catch, true?
I promise you'll be happy,
And even if you're not,
There's more to life than that---
Don't ask me what.

Trixie, I found him.
Won't you be a lucky bride!
He's handsome, he's tall,
That is from side to side.
But he's a nice man, a good catch, right?
You heard he has a temper.
He'll beat you every night,
But only when he's sober,
So you'll be alright.
Did you think you'd get a prince?
Well I do the best I can.
With no dowry, no money, no family background
Be glad you got a MAN!

Anonymous said...

which drag king are we going to marry Trixie off to?

I mean, is this "one night only" or a four-week run?

Rose Marie said...

Shiksa?

SCHICK-SI would be a lot more like it.

aaron said...

wait.... harvey is jewish?

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't pay any attention to that. You know how bitchy fags can be.

Anonymous said...

Either Ms. Silverman has a HUGE boyfriend or she's a very petite woman.

Anonymous said...

Maybe the observant Miss Silverman has a "HUGH" boyfriend...

Anonymous said...

wait.... trixie is jewish?

Anonymous said...

Are Amy Fisher and Sarah Silverman sisters? Separated at birth?

Anonymous said...

Trixie?

Is Trixie cut or uncut?

Enquiring minds want to know.

Rose Marie said...

If there's anything I hate it's ethnic humor.

Anonymous said...

wait...is Agnes Jewish?

Trixie said...

YES! It's AGNES GOLDSTEIN!

She's the sister AL GOLDSTEIN!

I thought everyone knew...

Agnes said...

Listen theres no birth certificate theres nothing no witnesses you got nothing on me

Anonymous said...

Trixie I thought you grew up in a restricted community... how did the Pentecostal family sneak in?

Anonymous said...

Is there a role in "Fiddler on the Roof" for Hugh Jackman?

Full frontal, preferably. Or like in "Take Me Out", a nice long shower scene...

North Fifth Street said...

"I see Pink chiffon and sparkles."

(breathing heavily and awaiting...)

And on Trixie's LEFT breast?

aaron said...

the jews live in GhentHampton.

Anonymous said...

"The Gents of Ghent" is a dance number in Act IV.

Rose Marie said...

Fiddler on the Roof? Oh my word. That's a long one. Bring some candy. And think bladder control. June Allyson.

Anonymous said...

Rosie, Stageworks is bearable - you can sneak out to the gift shop and cafe in the lobby in the middle of a performance.

Anonymous said...

Why don't they do it at the Hudson Opera House? Then everyone could pop next door to the Red Dot for cruisy boozy intermissions.

aaron said...

If I were a cute fuck,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
i would have stuff in my biddy biddy bum.
If I were a real cute fuck.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
I would marry biddy biddy rich,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

I'd buy a big tall house with rooms by the dozen,
Right in the middle of town.
A fine tin roof with real wooden floors below.
There would be one long staircase just going up,
And one even longer coming down,
and also a full equiped dungeon, just for show.

I'd fill my ass with dicks from chicks and toys from John Farleys'
For the town to see and hear.
(Insert)Moaning just as noisily as I can. (End Insert)
And each loud "pump" and "grab" and "paddle slap"
Would land like a trumpet on the ear,
As if to say "Here lives a well plowed man."

If I were a cute fuck,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
i would have stuff in my biddy biddy bum.
If I were a real cute fuck.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
I would marry biddy biddy rich,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

Anonymous said...

Trixie, my bubbala, my boychick...

North Fifth Street said...

Edith, gai kakhen afenyam!

Anonymous said...

I love you more than bears love honey
I love you more than jews love money
I love you more than asians are good at math
I love you even if it's not hip
I love you more than black people don't tip
I love you maore than puerto ricans need baths

I love you more than girls love dolls
I love you more than dogs love balls
I love you more than the white stuff in a zit
I love you like Gary Busey
I love you more than dykes love pussy
I love you more than my aftershow monster bong hit

Jewish people driving german cars
Jewish people driving german cars
Jewish people buying german cars
What the cock is that shit?

But maybe it's like take back the night
Maybe it's like how bleeding hearts grow old and swing to the right
Maybe it's like when a faggot calls himself a faggot

Jewish people driving german cars
It's the opposit of fubu...
But maybe it's Patty Hearst siding with her kiddnappers
Maybe it's a South African miner killing diamond wearing gangster rappers
Maybe it's like when black guys call each other niggers

Chachacha

Sarah Silverman

Anonymous said...

"Maybe he's anti-Semitic. Maybe he doesn't want to date a Jew?"

What, did you have cum in your ears???

I SAID: "Maybe he's anti-State Street-ic. Maybe he doesn't want to date you."

aaron said...

i talked to laura at stageworks not to long ago about doing the production. she is on board. all we need now is gwen stefani on board. we will now be a gay tourist attraction. watch out south beach...

do you think we could get aaron tanner or jeff stryker involved. maybe the production could be sponsored by gayhudson.com

aaron said...

i talked to laura at stageworks not to long ago about doing the production. she is on board. all we need now is gwen stefani on board. we will now be a gay tourist attraction. watch out south beach...

do you think we could get aaron tanner or jeff stryker involved. maybe the production could be sponsored by gayhudson.com

Anonymous said...

Well Aaron Tanner is "reachable" and lives close to Penn Station...

Anonymous said...

You might consider someone with legitimate stage/XXX porn chops that lives closer to Hudson.

I'm just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

Matchmaker, matchmaker, plan me no plans.
I'm in no rush. maybe I've learned
Playing with matches a girl can get burned.
So bring me no ring, groom me no groom,
Find me no find, catch me no catch.
Unless he's a matchless match!

Anonymous said...

I think Amy Fisher is in the witness prtoection program and working as a waitress at Ca'Mea.

Anonymous said...

I think you're right...

On Saturday I asked, "How's the Puttanesca?" and she dumped a pot of boiled ravioli on my lap.

Anonymous said...

I figured out it was Amy the night she was behind the bar and I said, "Shoot me a glass of the Valpolicella..."

She did, and my dry cleaner later said that everything I was wearing was ruined.

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!