Wednesday, January 2, 2008

My New Smears Resolutions

Hey kiddos!

I woke up the other morning with a headache and a lot of scrawls on my arms. At first I thought I must have gotten in a bar fight with Tippy but then I remembered Tippy doesnt drink and realized they were ballpoint pen scrawls. My resolutions. Yes its that time of the month again the time for new years resolutions.

And aaaaaway we go!

1. Lose Weight

2. Save Money

3. Get a Better Job

4. Get Even More Fit

5. Eat More Better

6. Drink Less Alcohol

7. Quit Smoking

8. Volunteer

Hah! Got ya didnt I!!!

Pretty funny huh? Like I dont volunteer enough already. Here are my real resolutions for real this time.

1. Live with peace tranquility and topshelf liquor.

2. Get Tippy declawed.

3. I have no idea how it got there so please get this sticky smelly confetti out of my hair.

4. See if I can make more money than working so hard as I do now by being as a performance artist in Hudson or as a greeter at WalMart or going through coat pockets at the Red Dot.

5. Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change everything else that I can and the wisdom to carry a brick in my purse to implement change as I see necessary.

6. I cant read this one the ink is all smeared.

7. Finish my autobiography and see if Julia Roberts or Charlie Theron will star in it and pay me a lot of money. Ive only gotten up to the big Firemans Home Picnic Raid of '47. Can anyone help me out thats all I can remember so far.

8. Decide if my autobiography should be called “The Story of ‘A’” or “Hudson on $5 a day”

9. Call 1 800 LAWYERS and have them sue for royalties about that picture of me hanging over the bar at Swoon.

9. Stay awake during sex more.

10. Stay awake during mass less.

11. Remember more during confession.

12. Resolve my paternity suit with Andy Williams. I think thats what he said his name was.

13. Dont take as pay from Trixie any more scratch off lottery tickets that have already been scratched off.

14. Find out if that Jake Sheers is single.

15. Get Rose Marie declawed.

16. Finish writing my new years resolutions.

Tippy found all these pictures on my phone. I have no idea. Really I have no idea. How did pictures wind up on my phone? What will medicare think of next?

PS: Tippy is off for a few days so dont drop by the Muddy Cup looking for him to do your taxes right now. Really. And can somebody please help me out with number six. What does my new years resolution number six say?


Rose Marie said...

I'm WARNING you...

Agnes said...

Sorry, I meant to write: "Get Rose Marie COMMITTED."

Anonymous said...

"Scissor Sisters singer Jake Shears is to marry his boyfriend in a flamboyant New York ceremony. The outlandish star - who recently bought an apartment in New York with Chris, who he has been dating for eight years - plans to tie the knot with his lover in a "glorious" ceremony spring 2008.

A source said: 'Jake and Chris are both blissfully happy with their apartment and the wedding is the next thing. They're ready to show everyone they're together. A wedding will take their relationship on to the next level. Knowing Jake, it is sure to be fabulous!'

Jake, who proposed shortly after buying property which is located in New York's exclusive Tribeca district, has told close friends Kylie Minogue and Geri Halliwell to keep the secret date free. The 28-year-old singer has also asked his bandmates Ana Matronic, BabyDaddy, Del Marquis and Paddy Boom to record a special song for the big day."

Sorry Aggie. I'm truly sorry.

Anonymous said...

"Jake's boyfriend who wishes to only be identified by Chris is a Yale art student. Chris has tried to stay out of the public eye by refusing to be photographed with Jake or release his last name."

Agnes said...

The hotties are always taken...

Anonymous said...

Picture 1 - Trixie star getting plowed at the RED DOT.
Picture 2 - Farley after another night out.
Picture 3 - South of Warren 14K encrusted Christmas ball.
Picture 4 - A Claverack kid visiting the Wal-mart santa.
Picture 5 - Santa on Decmeber 26th.
Picture 6 - Typical Hudson humor.
Picture 7 - Rich at winter band camp at NYU.

Anonymous said...

Somebody give Tippy some aspirin and tomato juice...

Anonymous said...

Looks like Aggie and Tippy had one wild New Years Eve.

Hey Trixie, give the old broad a day off or something will ya?

Trixie said...

That bitch Agnes owes me MONEY!

I want my roof fixed! And a new kitchen floor!

She's gotta work!!!

Agnes said...

I dont owe ya nothing.

Here have a chicken wing. I found Big Mommas purse. Nobody round Kennedys has seen her in days.

Anonymous said...

Hey Aggie what if top shelf isn't available will house brand do?

Agnes said...

Well dont you know I learned a really good lesson from my good friend Liza Minelli. I think thats what her name is.

She told me one of her rules for life is: the BEST drink is the closest one.

Agnes said...

So yes house liquor will do if thats the closest.

Anonymous said...

Hey Aggie I think #6 says call Fidelity and review your 401k.

Anonymous said...

That old witch oughta to be boiled in oil.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't pay any attention to that. You know how bitchy fags can be.