I woke up the other morning with a headache and a lot of scrawls on my arms. At first I thought I must have gotten in a bar fight with Tippy but then I remembered Tippy doesnt drink and realized they were ballpoint pen scrawls. My resolutions. Yes its that time of the month again the time for new years resolutions.
And aaaaaway we go!
1. Lose Weight
2. Save Money
3. Get a Better Job
4. Get Even More Fit
5. Eat More Better
6. Drink Less Alcohol
7. Quit Smoking
Hah! Got ya didnt I!!!
Pretty funny huh? Like I dont volunteer enough already. Here are my real resolutions for real this time.
1. Live with peace tranquility and topshelf liquor.
2. Get Tippy declawed.
3. I have no idea how it got there so please get this sticky smelly confetti out of my hair.
4. See if I can make more money than working so hard as I do now by being as a performance artist in Hudson or as a greeter at WalMart or going through coat pockets at the Red Dot.
5. Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change everything else that I can and the wisdom to carry a brick in my purse to implement change as I see necessary.
6. I cant read this one the ink is all smeared.
7. Finish my autobiography and see if Julia Roberts or Charlie Theron will star in it and pay me a lot of money. Ive only gotten up to the big Firemans Home Picnic Raid of '47. Can anyone help me out thats all I can remember so far.
8. Decide if my autobiography should be called “The Story of ‘A’” or “Hudson on $5 a day”
9. Call 1 800 LAWYERS and have them sue for royalties about that picture of me hanging over the bar at Swoon.
9. Stay awake during sex more.
10. Stay awake during mass less.
11. Remember more during confession.
12. Resolve my paternity suit with Andy Williams. I think thats what he said his name was.
13. Dont take as pay from Trixie any more scratch off lottery tickets that have already been scratched off.
14. Find out if that Jake Sheers is single.
15. Get Rose Marie declawed.
16. Finish writing my new years resolutions.
Tippy found all these pictures on my phone. I have no idea. Really I have no idea. How did pictures wind up on my phone? What will medicare think of next?
PS: Tippy is off for a few days so dont drop by the Muddy Cup looking for him to do your taxes right now. Really. And can somebody please help me out with number six. What does my new years resolution number six say?