The phone rang. It was the Washington Post.
"Hello, is the Hudson office of Trixie Starr, Investigative Reporter?"
"Why yes it is. Wait one moment, I'll get Ms. Starr on the line..."
Clang, clang, clang...
"Hello. This is Trixie Starr. Whaddaya want, fella?"
"Thank God! Trixie, we need your help! Obama is going to Canada and we don't have anyone to cover the story. Can you do it?"
"Where the hell's he going?"
"Ottawa? Fuck that! I'm not going to no fucking Ottawa! The gay scene in Ottawa sucks! Listen, this is what I'll do....he goes to Ottawa, I'll go to Toronto. I'll just read the local rags and make shit up. That's what I end up doing anyway."
"Trixie, that's a GREAT idea! I love it!"
"All expenses paid, right?"
"You got it, Trix. Oh, and if you want a little massage, well, you know what I mean, we'll throw that in, too!"
"I know, I know, put it under Miscellaneous Entertainment."
"Just get a receipt, Trix, that's all we ask!"
"No problem, kiddo. I'll have the story to you by Friday morning."
I was going to write some shit, then I read Tim Powers at the Globe and Mail, and he was better than I could have ever been!
"Are we so insecure as Canadians that we demand this saturation coverage of the American President's visit to Ottawa? Is it central to our identity that to feel good about ourselves we need Obama's first foreign trip as President to be here?"
Bunch of insecure Canadians, huh?
We like that.
We don't want any neighbor to the north feeling all proud and mighty. We don't want a neighbor like China, right?
Let's keep Canada insecure. Keep them guessing! Remind them who's boss.
Canada: The Greenport of the North.