Sunday, May 10, 2009

Hugh Jackman, Why Don't You Love Me?


The cheapest gay thrill in town (other than my upcoming party) is the movie Wolverine - on the $5 Tuesday night in Greenport, by the Dunkin' Donuts.

Wear a trench coat and bring a small bottle of lotion and a few tissues, just don't tell the police I sent you.

If you call me up from jail, you're on your own.

I don't know you.

Or, you could just walk to the Dunkin' Donuts after the movie and drown your sexual energy in carbs and sugar, and gain what I've heard is called the "Hudson 35".

....as in 35 pounds!

Because sometimes, an apple fritter is better than sex.

Well....sometimes, all you're getting on a Saturday night IS an apple fritter, sex is not even an option! I understand that this rule applies to both singles and couples in Hudson.

My doughnut dealer, Herb.
Hudson police, this is my doughnut dealer. He hangs out on 3rd Street.
He's really quick and efficient, and I always get my fix. I'm never going to lose those two dress sizes before the next party. The future of Hudson IS a service-industry economy...he knows.


Listen babydoll, I don't do movie reviews.

I don't even remember the plot of Wolverine.

Who cares, anyway?

Ok, here's the plot....

"Ugh. I'm a big tough strong guy and I'm going to kill you!"

"No, you're not!! I'm bigger and tougher than you, and I'm going to kill you first!!"


"But, I have magic powers!"


"So do I!"


grunt grunt grunt. punch punch punch.


Someone dies.

This is how gay men understand action films. There are fight scenes, car crashes, things blow up, it's all wasted special effects!!! All we're really thinking about for an hour and forty-five minutes is, 'Can I see his dick?'.

(You KNOW it's true!)

No Jackman dick shots, but there are a few butt shots in Wolverine....so, yeah, it's worth $5!!

omg. totally!

BUT, then there's also all THIS stuff in the movie:

FINGERNAILS!! OUCH!!

Fingernails....they just get in the way.

Everyone knows, there's nothing sexier on a man than well-trimmed fingernails. Actually, the less fingernail, the better. Ask any gal. You don't really want to have sex with Wolverine, because you're constantly worried 'what if those metal finger things come out during sex?'

Bring up the topic of fingernails at a dinner party filled with lesbians. I dare you. See what happens! Tempers flair!

Ouch...like....really...ouch!

Fingernails are like teeth. Less, less, less.


Just take them out and use them later.


Truth be told....

I like Hugh Jackman better as a bottom!




You can have your strong, silent, grunting men, but give me a good emotional, passionate guy who cries at chick flicks!

....sigh....so sweet....sensitive...

(um, I'm the dominate personality in a relationship, if you haven't figured that out yet...)

Oh well....maybe Hugh is versatile!

If not, there's always the doughnut dealer.


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