Thursday, January 28, 2010

The New Virtual Boyfriend

Before I write these blog pieces about dating, you should know that the legal department reviews all material.

There are strict guidelines.

1. No 'real' names are to be used.

2. A 'statue of limitations' time must pass.

3. Blog pieces are 'based upon' reality. Which means that there's a SMIDGEN of reality, and the rest I make up - kinda like those TV shows.

4. If it is a 'TRUE STORY', then the " Code" must preface the piece. The code is: "This is a true story."

Got it?

Ok - let's begin....

Something weirdo is happening in the world of dating....I'm going to call it the 'virtual boyfriend'.

It might be the same for straight people, but their lives are so far from my daily existence, that I can't really vouch for them. I'm sure they have their own blogs.

I met this guy, months ago, in a person.

He seemed pleasant enough.

We talked, he seemed very flirty, I gave him my number.


I never heard back.

I didn't really think about it too much.

Then, one night, months later, I get a text - out of the blue! I texted back, 'Who is this?'


....yeah, that's helpful....

Anyway, I thought about it, and I figured it was one or two guys......fine.

I texted back and forth....and the texts got all flirty and fun.

Neat, I thought, this guy is kinda fun, and if it was one of the two guys, I figured, well he's cute enough and it would be worth a date.

At night, he sent me a good night text. Sweet.

In the morning, a good morning text.....and a big text kiss......sweet....I guess...

I was going along with it, having fun.

Then, I get a text the next day....

'I think you might be the ONE.'

WHAT??? I'm the ONE?

Wait....I texted back....'um, we need to go on a date first.'

Red flag number one.

This guy was serious. Yeah, we met and talked at the bar, but.....I'm the ONE?

Please.....he doesn't know me....and he didn't know about TRIXIE!

So, how could I be the ONE?

Or, the TWO?

This guy had no idea.

I realized that it was not about me at all. He didn't know ME, and it didn't matter.

He just wants a badly....that pretty much, he will project boyfriend-like feelings on anyone.

Anyway, I arrange a date for that weekend.

He tells me that I'm the 'ONE', and he can't get it together to arrange a date...I have to do it.

Red flag number two. Lameness.

I plan a date to go to a movie at the mall. I figure, I could always go shopping at Banana Republic before, this way, it's not a waste of time.

Hey, I'm busy!

We go on the date, and he's dead wood. Totally unemotional. Blah. Not a joke, not a laugh, nothing.

Gone are the kissy-kissy flirty, 'I-want-to-suck-your-dick-and-hold-you-all-night-long" texts.

Yeah, that's over.

He's unable to communicate in person. In text/digital format, he's a wonderful boyfriend....caring, sexy, emotionally available, funny!

In real life, cold and stoic.

During the date, I text my "gal" pal, Trudy, who was waiting, anxiously. Trudy texts, 'maybe he's just shy, give him a chance.'


I sit through dinner with him.

He tells me about his life......

Every relationship in his life is miserable!!!! His family, his friends, his roommate!

Me? I was really trying to be perky, fun, lively! (I can do 'perky', if I want....shut up!)

I asked, 'How was your holiday?'

'Oh, my family and I don't get along....and then my friends went out, and they got really drunk, and I didn't want to stay around with them.....'


I ate quickly, got the check, and got out of there.

If he was HALF the guy he was in his texts, it could have been fun.....he was a good VIRTUAL boyfriend, but that's it.

The last text I sent him was 'you need to do less texting and more licking!'

I didn't hear back.

Oh well - at least the movie was good.

1 comment:

john said...

hey i wasn't all THAT bad - and what about the movie action you made me preform ... ?