Thursday, May 31, 2007

Joan Rivers and my life.

I saw Joan Rivers Wednesday night. In person. A friend and I went. We sat in the front table, she was about 5 feet from us.

She performs at the Cutting Room on 24th Street in Manhattan,

Of course, you have to go see her....while she's still alive...
She puts on a GREAT show. $30/each. It's about an hour.

All of the proceeds she donates to charity.
Her shtick is still funny. She tells 9/11 jokes. About widows who got money after their husbands died in the Towers. Nothing is sacred. It's Joan Rivers.
"Look at your husband. Just look at him! Think, 'Harry' or 5 million dollars - AFTER TAXES. That's how much those widows got. Think about it!"
She also said that one Christmas, she bought a Christmas tree, even though she's a Jew.

"I got everything, the manger, Jesus, Mary, Joseph....But I dressed Mary myself. I took off that schemata she was wearing, put her in a Chanel suit, a Gucci bag, and Prada shoes. You're the mother of God - DRESS LIKE IT! Then, they would have gotten a room at the Inn! A suite at the Palestine Hilton!"
oh Joan...

She's 75 and still doing stand up. More power to her....

OK, so, now the biggest dilemna of my life if where do I spend my weekends? Manhattan or upstate? I know, I should have other problems....

Upstate wins out this weekend....I think I'm going to spend the days on the water, kayaking, and my gay dog and I are invited to a party on Saturday....we'll see how that goes....

Red Dot Sunday evening for drinks? What's everyone doing this weekend?

My Conversation with the Flag Day Committee

( this is me, bracing for the phone call)

Hi Folks,

I received a memo from the Parade Planning Sub-Committee. I needed to call the Hudson Flag Day Committee person.

So I did.

Our conversation was terse and polite.

It went something like this:

"We call all of the new organizations for Flag Day just to make sure that everyone is celebrating Flag Day and there's no other political, religious, or social agenda. And just to see what you're planning on doing."

"Well," I said, "we're going to have a banner with on it, and a truck, draped in flags, and then we'll march along side of it."

"OK, because in years past we've had to ask some groups to not come back. There was someone handing out flyers about horses in parades, someone else with a political message and speakers, and one year we had Satan Worshipers."

I said, "We won't have a microphone, and we're not passing anything out." (including 'gay cards', that idea died.)

Plus, I was thinking about saving SATAN Worshiping for Winter Walk.

Actually, I would probably do SATIN Worshiping, because those sheets are so soft!

Or, SEITAN Worshiping, for those vegetarians who need a little more protein in their diet....but I digress....

The Flag Committee rep said "because I checked the website...."

(oh no, I thought...)

"...and there was something about passing out a gay card?"

"Oh yeah, we're not doing that anymore - no problem."

Yes, gentle readers, the Sub-Committee on Party Planning has informed me that the Party will happen sometime later in the month, or next month...or at some point...

Let's just get through this parade first....

So, it's all good.

They're a little more at ease. We're in the parade, as long as we don't bring up Satan.


This is what going to happen... Ready?

We'll get the banner, the truck, and the umpteen of us will march alongside the truck.

There will be catcalls. But, there will also be people cheering for us.

I say we ignore the catcalls. I really don't want to go to their level.

Because it's really not about the homophobes.

For me, it's about the 12 and 13 year old "sissies" and "tomboys" alongside the parade. They just need to see that there are gay people out there, here in Hudson. And being different is really not a big deal. It's no big whoop.

That's the reason I'm doing it.

That, and the Flag.

Well, it IS Flag Day....

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

My Dog Got Gay-Bashed in Hudson

Ok, true story....

It was Monday evening, Memorial Day, I was out walking my dog, and passed through my alley between State and Columbia Streets, around 8 pm.

My dog, a Boston Terrier, wears a pink harness, mostly because I want people to know that she's a girl.

As I'm walking past a group of teenagers, one of them shouts.

"Hey, that dog is GAY. Yo dude, your dog's GAY!"

My dog, her confidence undisturbed, continued walking.
I was shaken.

I'm thinking....leave my dog alone. What the fuck?

I mean, she's a girl, and now she really has no sexual orientation...after the operation and all...

So, I walk back to Warren Street, and there's a cop on a bicycle.

I stop him.

OK - I've been stopped TWICE in this town by the police - once for just walking down the street. Now, I'm asking THEM for help.
I asked him, if he wouldn't mind just riding his bike down my alley....he doesn't have to say anything....just ride through.

I told him that there were a group of teenagers, and they were a little obnoxious, and just bored.

He said to me, "Well, it's not the kids, you know, it's the parents."
I said, "I know, I don't want the kids to know it's me, I don't want you to talk to them, just make your presence known, the kids were being obnoxious and yelling stuff".
He said, "Well, they're just kids. I can't stop them from calling you a NAME."

I said, "It wasn't me. It was my dog. They were calling my dog names."

(This is all true, I mean, I can't even make this up....)

He just looked at me for a second.

"OK," he said, "I'll ride by."

And that's all I know....

My Memorial Day Weekend in Hudson

Hi Folks -

First of all, Charles Nelson Reilly died on Friday.....

We have to have a small moment of silence for him. He deserves a separate blog post, which I ill do this week. But he was an inspiration for me...

The photo above is from the TV series, "Lidsville" was a kid's show, but the writers and producers were all smoking weed when they did it. It's the most surreal children's show.

Where do we start with this weekend?

Mrs. Greenthumbs called me up and said, "Rich, we're going to the Clermont Plant Sale. It's the most homo-fabulous event this weekend".

Fine. Considering that my yard has nothing but weeds, I should go.

"Dress appropriately." She told me.

So, I called up Juan and Raoul, my make-shift Latino "gardeners" (well, they DO plow my field...and sow some seeds...), got them dirt stained and shirtless.

And then we went to Clermont, Saturday morning, 10 am. ugh.

And it was homo-fabulous. Mostly couples, but still lots of gay boys.

And old women.

Years from now, if I'm not in a couple, I'll be an old woman.....there's worse things.

Someone asked me on the street this weekend, if they'll ever be a gay bar in Hudson.

I'm said, "You're asking me? I still working on getting a blow job in this town. After THAT, I'll put 'Open Gay Bar' on my list!"

Remember, if you want to get laid in Hudson, go somewhere else...

I did manage to go to a fabulous sangria party on Saturday. It was amazing. Met a particularly cute boy at the party, so maybe there's some hope of me getting laid sometime this year in Hudson.....

....the year is almost half over....we'll see...

I have the flares ready in my backyard. If you see them go off, then you know.

I bought a kayak, so that now I can join the Hudson Kayaking Trannie Club.

(this is so not me)

(I once bumped into someone who said that they read - and they're only comment was 'The pictures are funny.' So, maybe I need to keep this blog to a third grade reading level......"Look Daddy, funny pictures!")

I kayaked to Athens, to the 'island', which was filled with fat chicks in their bathing suits.

(I guess I could have gotten a blow job there. OK, I have SOME standards - they're low, but they're still there...)

On Sunday, my friends and I went to Athens for drinks and we watched three middle-aged wives, away from their husbands, get drunk. One lifted her skirt so we could see her coochie. Another fell off her chair.

That's always amusing.

It was a beatiful weekend.

As I sat with my friends, drinking, looking out over the Hudson, I said,

"This is it, folks. This is as good as life gets. It doesn't get any better."

True. BUT ---

.....a blow job every now and then would be nice.....


PS - tomorrow night I'm seeing Joan Rivers at the Cutting Room in Manh. I can't wait!

Friday, May 25, 2007

WalMart Fashion Faux Pas


I could have told you this!

"The setback suggests Wal-Mart's apparel problems go deeper than a misfire with ultratrendy attire that led to a sales stumble late last year. At that time, an in-house-designed line of skinny-legged pants and nightclub wear, called Metro7, turned off customers, who went shopping elsewhere. "

Have the buyers for WalMart ever stepped INSIDE a WalMart?

Look at your CLIENTELE!

Skinny-legged pants? Ultratrendy?

Blue jeans are the most beautiful things since the gondola.


DJ Lisa is spinning tonight at Stray Bar!

Hey folks, tonight at Stray, DJ Lisa is spinning the early shift - 9-12.

You should totally go.

Are you ready for Memorial Day weekend?

OMG - the weather is BEAUTIFUL today.

This is how much I like Hudson - I'm actually NOT going to be in NYC for Fleet Week....omg...
The sailor boys are out in the streets in Manhattan full force.
But, no...I'll be going to Hudson.....
I think I'm getting a Kayak this weekend. They Hudson Kayaking Trannie Club convinced me it's the thing to do...

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Slave/Bitch Training

Hi --

I have to admit, Craigslist fascinates me.

Since it's free and anonymous, it's a little bit of everything. People put out EXACTLY what they want. It's like a daily Kinsey survey. Kinsey took years interviewing people. Now, you can just view it on-line.

This guy is a trip. I need a slave. I really have TOO much work to do, and I could really use someone to clean the apartment, walk the dog every now and then, maybe run some errands.

Yeah, I need a slave.....or a boyfriend....either one.

I'm a single white 100% real extremely naughty totally submissive Public Exhibitionist bottom, boyish-41 & very young-looking, 5' 9, 155, squeaky-clean, cleancut/shaven with a semi-shaved smooth body, healthy & fit ex-military, now living in Brooklyn (w/mom, for now) & working in Manhattan, & I'm reliable & available on a regular basis, day &/or night, & all year long, including during the winter, sleepovers & a LTR a+. Serious & Safe only. Slave / Bitch training is optional on Your part, including also forcing me to always act like & walk like a sissy at all times no matter what - both indoors & out.

I seek a single aggressive totally dominant Voyeur Top, who's always able to host, is hiv-neg, cut & not overly hairy, with compatible availability - who's mainly into constantly forcing me to take long walks, with or without You observing from a distance at the same time - as a form of Public Humiliation, including always hiding my napsack & always roughly shoving me out the door prior to all our outings outdoors / & indoors always keeping me completely naked & totally helpless with all my clothes hidden at all times - as a form of forced nudity, including verbal abuse, humiliation, hard spanking (without safe-words), forced cock-sucking/face-fucking/swallowing, rough ass-fucking(w/condom), facesitting & forced-rimming/repeated forced hand milking (me dry while restrained or not at the same time), use & abuse, safe rape-scenes, etc both before & after all of our outings. The indoor humiliation before & after will definitely always make the actual Public Humiliation outdoors even much worse for me than it already is!

Public Humiliation: forced to always CASUALLY wear either my brand-new: unlined full side-split very lightweight ripstop nylon Running Short-Shorts (in black, navy, blue & similar unlined lightweight ripstop shorts in transparent white without the slits) or my opaque (non see-thru) SKIN-COLOR Lycra-Nylon Tights (I also have the mid-thigh shorts of the same exact tights)whenever outdoors in public - totally helpelss without a change-of-clothes while People everywhere constantly smirk & giggle at my totally helpless predicament wherever I go, including on the subway & at extremely crowded public places like Central Park, Times Square, Village, & indoor shopping-malls, etc. All of the above always without any underwear underneath, & always with my brand-new short (just above-the-waist) black: see-thru fishnet/mesh tank-tops, short-sleeve crew-tops, or my opaque skintight long-sleeve Underarmor Coldgear turtleneck/mock (by itself, as a jacket) for the winter weather. With my running short-shorts, my ass-cheeks, dick & balls peek-out especialy whenever I sit, & on windy days the full side-splits always blow upward in the front & back, & on rainy days the white shorts always become totally see-thru when wet, & with my skin-color tights I always look COMPLETELY BOTTOMLESS - so I expect to hear alot of: "WOW, LOOK AT THAT GUY - HE'S NAKED, WOOHOOO!", ETC.

I also have my brand-new black 1/2 back (half my ass exposed) side tie-string bikinis (without the shorts or any even ever brought with me either) to always casually wear via subway &/or on foot to/at/from places like the parks &/or public beaches without a change-of-clothes, but only if I'm ever forced to, as well as many other brand-new 'Public Exhibitionist Clothing' to wear for You, including a my sheer totally see-through (with overlapping full side-splits on the sides) skin-color shorts, as well as my (light stonewash) denim extremely high-cut daisy dukes or my denim bikinis (in either light or dark denim), skin-color or my black string bikinis (to wear under any transparent, sheer, or totally see-thru shorts), etc + I'm also looking forward to all the indoor humiliation, as well. Below are 4 photos of me as samples of what I'm prepared to be forced to casually wear by You & my face-photo + a link to a few more of my photos I'll send in my first response to Your reply. If You send me a compatible reply, I'll give You my cell# so we can make serious real plans to meet-up in-person soon, like probably on a Friday night &/or a Saturday afternoon, but I'm basically available every weekend, all weekend & preferably with sleepovers, then eventually weeknights too later on in the relationship, if You want as well. In summary, I seek all of the above because that's exactly what I deserve, Sir - to be humiliated, both indoors & out, & mainly on a regular ongoing basis to long term!!

****NOTE: What is this photo? Is he wearing panty hose? I don't get it? Is it sexy? Can someone please find him a home? He lives with his mother now...

He does seem long term relationship minded....that's sweet.

But, I think I'm too hairy for him....otherwise, it could have been a match....

yeah, OK, I've been busy...

OK, you can yell at me for not blogging...

I've been busy, and in Chicago...and I needed a break from my 'vacation' home....I stayed in Manhattan last weekend - to relax....but I'll be in Hudson Memorial Day weekend....with more stories...

Has anybody been to Steamworks in Chicago?

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Of course you do, you big whore.

Give me your fav bathhouse story. I wanna hear it!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Ghosts in Hudson

Another report in from Agnes from the Foster Refrigerator Factory:

I couldn't make this one up... I guess you should have left the factchecker tied up this weekend... ---love, Agnes

The Crash of Flight 401 customer review on Amazon (!!!)

This book is about ghostly encounters of the crew from Eastern Airlines Flight 401 that crashed in 1972, in the Florida Everglades . There were 101 people killed in the crash, most were killed immediately but a few died a little later of their injuries.

The airline salvaged the galley equipment from the plane. I know this is a fact because the infrared oven on Flight 401 was made by my ex husband's former company, Foster Refrigerator (formerly of Hudson, New York). The salvaged infrered oven was cleaned, tested and reinstalled in a new airplane that was built.

In 1982, my teenage son was working a summer clean-up detail for my ex-husband at the Foster plant in Hudson. In the far end of the then mostly deserted plant, my son found some old equipment covered in wood, plastic and tarps; a new looking infrared oven. Since, I had tested a prototype home version of their infrared oven with much success and begged to keep it; my son came home and suggested I get my husband to bring the unit home for me to use. When I told to my ex-husband that my son had found an infrared oven in the warehouse and asked if he could he bring it home for me; I was told the incredulous story of Flight 401 and the haunting of the newer plane that utilized the scavenged oven from Flight 401. Of course, I did not believe the story and thought my ex was just making excuses not to bring the oven home or trying to pull a joke on me. I called my best friend, whose husband was corporate treasurer of Foster refrigerator. She had never heard the story but they had only been married a year. When her husband came home she asked him about the oven in the warehouse; without saying anything else. Her husband then told her the same exact story about the oven and the hauntings that my husband had told me.

Although, then CEO of Eastern, Frank Borman, wanted everyone to belive the ghost stories were Cr*p and a bunch of lies; the truth is that the stories of the two dead pilots from Flight 401 haunting the new plane were completely true.

Eventually, (after several sightings of the pilot and co-pilot from flight 401 on the newer plane)the Foster infrared oven was pulled off the plane when three flight attendants saw the ghostly pilot in the oven while they were trying to serve a meal to passengers. They called the pilot of the plane and he saw the apparition too. At that point, Eastern got rid of the oven.

I do not know if the book mentions what happened to the oven but the oven was removed from the plane and sent back to Foster Refrigerator, where it sat in a remote part of the warehouse, covered up and unused for many years thereafter. I am certain no one ever used the oven again.

I think it is key to remember here that this was an infrared oven and if you recall most ghostly activites recorded by researchers involve infrared technology. Something about infrared and ghosts.......something bizarre, supernatural and totally true.

Friday, May 18, 2007

"Red" reports on Hudson's Out of the Closet Day


What do I think about the way most people dress? Most people are not something one thinks about.

There I was last weekend, during "Out of the Closet", walking down Warren Street looking for anything PINK!

Pink is the navy blue of India.

I came across practically NOTHING!

There was so little to be had. I bought a mirror for my chambre and some fabulous plates from a delightful couple in a captain's house.

From what I understand, last year was much more spectacular. You could EASILY find a vintage
Balenciaga dress, why just lying in the streets.

Loves, I adore working for

Remember, never fear being vulgar, just boring.


Thursday, May 17, 2007

Agnes Recalls The "North of Fourth" Girls

Since I'm "drained", Agnes has decided to step up and offer today's blog post.

Hudson Flag Day, 1964

All this brouhaha in Hudson over the kids not wanting to play together reminds me of the ruckus we had between the "North of Fourth Girls" and the "South of Fourth Girls".

Generally, those "South of Fourth Girls" had the reputation of being a little looser, if you know what I mean, and doing back door type things us ladies wouldn't do.

I had matriclated from the Hudson Women's Training Institute in 1939; most of those other girls, they had got their education on the street, Strawberry Alley' to be specific.

It was very "Town and Gown" in Hudson then; us graduated types, we knew typing and stenography and could make a wife think we were really secretaries, which was a well-paying euphemism at that time. A girl could get herself a nice Ford coupe and a fox-fur coat if she took good dictation.

I knew how a lady behaved, in public youse guys would see me in gloves and hat and dyed-to-match shoes. There used to be this great corset shop at Fifth and Diamond... and the push-up bras on the 3rd floor of Marsh & Bachman's! Mister Leigh was my "personal shopper" there.

About the time that "Lady and the Tramp" premiered, the trouble started, I recall. What used to be a nice group that mixed, respected each others particular talents and fashion sense, then we all just split up, drew a line in the mud.

Me and my friends then hung out around the long-gone Gold Spike, at 7th and Diamond by the railroad tracks.

The Half Mast, that was at Front and Diamond. The South of Fourth Girls split from us down there, and we girls didn't mix at all. Until one brave wop, Devida Lavia, took off her top and paraded down Warren Street with "all for one, two for the boys" written on her back on Flag Day. It was a gasser! That wop had some gazongas!

We all laughed so hard, and called a truce. For a few years, we even had a "Two For the Boys" lemonade stand at Fourth and Warren during the Korean War, on hot summer weekends when the 'mos from the city were up here cruising for trade.

Rubes! Sometime we'd charge 'em as much as twenty-five cents for lemonade we made from lemons we stole from the that tree over by Underhill Pond. And it all went for blowjobs for the sailors that we gave away -- the city boys would have paid twenty smackeroos. Either way the boys won.

Ah, sweet Hudson memories.

Robinson Street, Hudson, New York, 2007

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead!

Another one bites the dust.

Here's a photo just for your amusement:

I'm tapped out of ideas right now. I'm DRAINED.

Here, let's watch a video of big boys having sex.

Feel free to comment.

Big Boys

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Conflict Resolution

Did I ever tell you that I was an RA (Resident Assistant) in college?

This is true.

I got free room and board, (NYU no less), but part of what I had to do was listen to my resident's issues....

Every now and then, in the evenings, college boys would come into my dorm room and tell me their roommate problems.

Their issues ranged from leaving the cap off the toothpaste, to STD's, to coming out issues.

I would sit with them, hold their hands, pretend to care...

Then, I would fuck the cute ones.

Most problems are solved once a guy has a dick up his ass, anyway.


We have some good suggestions for gay stuff in the future. Roving parties, other venues, maybe a night at Stray, who knows?

I'm thinking the Sat of Memorial Day weekend will be our first something....

Watch this space for more info as things develop....

Big Momma Responds

Isabel Sanford

Dear Friends of Hudson (Gay and Straight):

Brothers and sisters of Hudson,

Let's not dwell on the wrongs, but learn from the errors of our ways.

Big Momma is truly disappointed in all of you for allowing the events of one evening to tear a town into shreds, a town that has come so far in building a diverse community of gay and straight residents.

We need to put this issue to bed and start repairing the damage.

I, as a black woman, have learned to forgive the oh-so-many wrongs done not only me, but to my community.

I am sure that everyone involved could have, should have, or would have, done something different to defuse the situation of this past Saturday evening.

We need to focus on NOT what was done to us, but on what we can do to repair and rebuild the trust destroyed.

Peggy has made a huge investment in Hudson and the community needs to talk to her, discuss with her, and be willing to support her in the road to building a STRAY for ALL.

Big Momma is slowing down (not that she is getting old) and has started to "stop to smell the roses". We, as a community, need to focus on tolerance of others, being supportive to those who may be different.

It is going to take time for the hub bub to blow over, but it will. Then we need to regroup and support each other like Lisa stated. Why do we need to be separated in our celebrating?

We just need to be tolerant to those who are different and be willing forgive when necessary.

Lets stop casting stones and start casting a positive out-look for tomorrow.

Now enough has been said about this mother-fucking shit, a tear almost welled up in Momma's eye.

The next fucker who has anything else to say, give me a call. I will wipe your memory clear of Saturday night.

Enough is enough! The fucking horse is already dead!

Remember to LOVE thy brother ;-) interpret as you like…

As always be safe and respect each other!

Big Momma

Monday, May 14, 2007


Oooh it feels so good
When you let go of all the drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the game
Free from all the stress
So try for happiness

I know every one's waiting for this post. I've been thinking about it all weekend and trying to figure out the correct tone.

This is what I know:

Kudos to the gay Hudson couple for a fabulous cocktail party on Saturday night. They turned the gay boys out and brought 52 confirmed gay reservations to Stray bar.

Amazing! Steal their Rolodex.

Plus, they bought me a fabulous new purse, in the shape of a set of lips. Which I immediately pretended was a vagina.

By the way, if I HAD a vagina, and if it talked, it would of course have the voice of Bea Arthur.

After sex, it would say,

"God will get you for that, Walter..."

I returned the favor by getting my host a LARGE butt plug, hopefully it fits.

The guests asked him "Try it IN"..

The party was fabulous, the hosts gracious, and I met a bunch of gay boys from Albany.

It was an "Albany meets Manhattan" party.

One guy told me that the architect that re-did the capital was gay.

So, I asked, are there now huge marble statues of Olympian naked men? If you're going to re-do a capital, why not make it look like Rome, or Athens? If you're going to re-do it, do it right.

Nope. No such luck.

Oh well.

Lady Bunny was fun. I had a good time. Fart jokes, STD jokes, Kate Bush impersonations, how can you go wrong?

Giovanni was spinning and I liked the 80's music....anyone who plays the Go Gos brings me right back to 1984 nights at the Pyramid in the East Village, so many years ago.....since almost, 1984.

At one point things got weird and a friend of a friend, was dragged out of the bar by the bouncer.

Then the fun ended.

On Sunday morning, I sat in silence at Quaker Meeting and searched for the answer. I didn't find it, but, I think I found the path and the tone for today's blog post.

I could easily make this a gossip blog. I could make it full of he said/she said, can you believe that, bashing so-and-so, blah, blah, blah.

But that's not productive folks. It doesn't solve anything. And this town is too small for any negative energy.

I think the issue is that gay people in Hudson want a space where they can feel comfortable. And we have to keep in mind that it's Hudson, and not Lure in the Meat packing district.

So, where do we go from here?

I like Stray Bar, it's a great space, and other than house parties, I think it could be a fun place for gay boys. If there's an alternative, let me know.

I'm ready to promote a night, or a once a month event, and I have dozens of giveaways and freebies to anyone who comes.

Whatever and whenever it happens, I think that everyone needs to understand everyone's expectations.

I'm planning on being in Hudson for the long haul, so I want to make it work.

I'm open to comments, but seriously folks, keep them constructive!!

No gossip
No bashing
No heresy
No whining/complaining
No negative energy


We don't need to re-hash it, we need to learn and move forward.

We don't need Drama Queens, we need Solution Queens!

I'm open to suggestions.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Wa-hoo of a Weekend...Lady Bunny at Stray Bar May 12th
Live Show with DJ:
May 12 Musty Chiffon presents The Lady Bunny
9pm$20 cover
The Lady Bunny spins after the show

This weekend in Hudson is going to be one big wa-hoo of a weekend.

It may just out-gay last weekend.

On Saturday, there's the 'Out of the Closet' all day town-wide yard sale. It starts at 9am until 5pm. I have nothing. I actually need stuff.

My interior designer noted that his attempts to decorate my house are very challenging. Well, it's ME, actually that's the challenge, since I just don't care about interior design.

He said, "You didn't finish the window treatments I gave you. One has drapes up, the other window doesn't. Do you know what that looks like from the outside? How could you just LEAVE it that way - for weeks!"

You see, folks, I really don't care....have I mentioned how much I hate interior design work?

Considering that three doors down from me, the buildings are abandoned, and in the other direction, there's who-knows-what going on in that house, (the front door is ALWAYS open), is anyone really looking at MY window treatments?

I told him, "I like having the one window bare. That's the window with the red light. I sit in there in the evenings. Pays the mortgage."

Anyway, yes, I will be looking for furniture on Saturday. AND, I'm going to another cocktail party Saturday night.

I don't know...I have no idea why people invite me. I really make no attempt to be friendly.

For instance, I have this video of Lady Bunny. She's at Stray Bar on May 12th. It's going to be fab. You MUST go. If you're gay, then go.

If you're a straight guy who's ever tucked his dick between his legs to see what your hairy ass would look like as a woman, then you should go.

Lady Bunny is amazing, and an inspiration to everyone.

And, yeah, the camera is a little shaky in the video. Ya know, what? If you complain to me about it, then eat my fucking ass, motherfucker.

Why don't YOU find some video of Lady Bunny, encode it, and stream it from your fucking server!

I was 22, and pushing through the crowd at Wigstock.

Anyone has anything negative to say to me, I'm bitch-slapping you. You won't even know it's coming....

You see...I have no idea why people invite me places....or why I have any friends at all....

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Ask Big Momma - Food Advice

Isabel Sanford

Dear Big Momma,

I love oral sex but my husband won’t go down, what can I do to get him to please me orally?

Dainty Dish

Dear Dainty:

Baby I am so sorry to hear of your dilemma! Give your man one more chance, wash your kitten real good, don't just wash it SCRUB it girl making sure to get all the sent of tuna out.

Go as far as sprinkling a little vanilla extract on it, making him think he's about to get something real good. Prance your hot little box of love around the room, ensuring he get's a whiff of your hair pie.

When he starts to question what smells so good go over close to him and bend way over, unless your big like momma. (Then hold on to the back of a chair for support, cause if your back goes out you ain't getting that boxed munched on tonight!). Then tell him you have a little snack for, take him big strong hand and rub it up and down your clit, making sure to get a good dose of vanilla! If he doesn't know what to do then..... FUCK HIM!

My girls and I down here in the tower have a saying "Eaten ain't cheatin". Go down to Warren Street and find you a hungry man that has no problem diving into your muff, face first. A man who can go a long stretch without a breath.

Baby Momma has to go, I gettin all hot thinking about it and I have to get to Warren before you.

Good luck!

...and for those who like CHOCOLATE CREAM:


Dear Big Momma,

I LOVE to have my ass eaten. There's this one Hudson boy, he is SO fine, and he can eat me longer than the line at the Grand Hudson Buffet.

Problem is, his boyfriend.

Other than a pick axe and a little "trip" to the Foster Refrigerator factory, how can I get this man to myself?

My parole officer ain't gonna like another offense.

Please help me, Momma....I got an itch to scratch. And his tongue goes in deep...REAL DEEP!

I can't think about him without getting a hard on. Shit, I gotta go now.....

--Eat me in St. Louis

Dear Eat me

Like Big Momma has said in the past "Eaten ain't cheaten"...

Take that boyfriend of his out for a night on the town get him all liquored up. Then go for a walk down behind the tower, my nephew Tyron will take care of the rest. Remember bring cash

Tyron won't take a check!

Then skip like the fabulous Queen you are and open that buffet line...

Baby - Just remember clean your hole... no one like croutons in their ass salad... tell him ain't nobody leaving until the salad is gone!

Happy eaten,
Big Momma

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Sunday, May 6, 2007

The Neighbor's Kid

Outside of my backyard, in the alley, someone's garbage spilled and there's cabbage and hot dogs everywhere. I think it's disgusting, my dog thinks it's manna from heaven.

My dog called her girlfriend, Sparky, a pug that lives in a Gramercy co-op.

“Sparky!” she howled, “You have to buy in Hudson. The streets are paved with MEAT! It’s amazing. I know this cat, Mitzi, she knows all the good real estate deals. She’ll totally hook you up. Do it before the humans move in. As soon as those thumb-wielding, uprights are here, it’s OVER. Yes, darling, JUST like South Beach.”

Anyway, as I'm cleaning up the hot dogs, (something us vegetarians LOVE to do), this kid, about ten years old, with a baseball bat, comes up to me and asks, "Do you have any work?"

Work? My mind raced. I told myself, 'Not THAT kind of work! He's TEN!'

I had to think. I mean, I guess if I really cared about my backyard or my house, then yes, there's work. I'm sure that my interior design friends could easily find a ton of stuff to do. But, I don't really see it. My theory is, my house has been here for 200 years, it ain't going anywhere anytime soon.

I looked at him and said "Well, I did need help shoveling snow, but I don't need that done anymore...."

"Oh" he said, disappointed.

"Do you live here?" he asked me.


"OK, so are you here only on the weekends?"

What does this kid want? Why is he asking me these questions? He's ten years old. What the fuck difference did it make? Was he going to rob my house when I wasn't around? There's nothing to steal, anyway, just some old furniture and gay porn mags. There’s dildos. Does he want my dildos?

I lied, "Yeah, the weekends, but sometimes during the week."

"Do you own or do you rent?"

"I own." I said, wondering what the fuck?

"Cool." he said, and he took a twig and hit it with his baseball bat.

Then he looked at me and said, "What rate did you get?"

"What?" I asked.

He said, matter of factly, "what rate? Your mortgage...." He said it as if he was saying, "like, duh?"

I said, "6.75%"

"Oh." he said, and he looked downwards.

I said, "What? That's a good rate!"

"It's a little high...."

"It is not! It's fine." I said, "That's what the rates were at the time!"

"You don't have to get defensive." he smirked at me, under the brim of his baseball cap.

I looked at him and said, "Kid, are you implying that there's something wrong with my credit history? There is NOTHING wrong with my credit history....OK, maybe I was late on a payment once or twice, but my credit score is FINE."

Folks, you can call me a big fat whore. Call me an ass-eating, cock-sucking queer. I'm fine with that. But DON'T you DARE imply that I have a low credit rating!

The kid noticed that I was annoyed, "I was just saying, it's a little high. If you had shopped around some more, you probably could have done better...."

"I have 6.00% in the city." I said "You know what? Where's your mother!?! I want to have a talk with her!."

"I think that's her calling me now. I gotta go - BYE!"

He left me there, and I went back to cleaning up the hot dogs.

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Me and the Skinny White War Boy

OK - This is a true story, I really didn't change much, just the names....

Sometime this past winter, I was at the Spotty Dog drinking a cup of coffee with soy milk and one rugulah cookie. Smart, sweet, sensible.

There were a few college kids talking about music or who knows what. They were annoying. I was reading Augusten Borroughs - another one of his memoires of a drunk and drugged up gay Manhattan man who has everything, but is really miserable...

It was Sunday evening, and Hudson gets dead quickly on Sundays.

I look up and I notice, that in one of the book aisles, there's this skinny white boy, around 23, cruising me. HARD cruising me.

I look up and look at him, he doesn't turn away, he keeps looking at me.

He scared me. There was no shame. No toying around with this one...

I start thinking - I'm getting cruised by some twink here at the Spotty Dog? WTF?

The Red Dot - OK, fine....but the Spotty Dog.....who knew?

I go back to reading, he looks away. I look up, he's looking at me again. Shit. He's serious!

It was too weird. Don't these boys know HOW to cruise? Really... You're not supposed to show THAT much interest....

Fine, I thought....let's have some fun with this one.

I finish my bite-sized pastry and close up my stuff.

He heads for the door, and stands outside the window. He lights a cigarette.

I walk out the door, pass him, nod, and say "Hi". He nods back and says "Hi."

He's a scruffy looking white boy, a banged-up, upstate boy. He was disheveled, hair messy, crooked teeth.

Something like this:

I cross over to the south side of Warren. He stays on the north side. I start walking up the block. He follows, a few paces behind, on the north side of Warren.

I look over, he's still looking at me. He's following me.

Now, I'm intrigued, horny, and scared all at the same time. I'm thinking, I'm either going to get a blow job, or I'm going to get robbed. Or, maybe BOTH! Wouldn't THAT be fun! Most sex bores me, but throw in an element of CRIME or danger - and I'm there!

That's what happens when you watch too much John Waters and "Strangers with Candy".

Anyway, skinny 23-year old white boys really are not my "type". I know twinks sell. Twinks sell big time in internet porn. Bel-Ami, Cardinot, you can't go wrong with twinks. It's a huge market, especially in Europe. The Europeans aren't really into the Californian muscle boys. They like little jock Czech boys. I mean, who doesn't?

Everyone loves poor boys with rugged good looks. They always need cash, they're always looking for work. Us, bourgeois urbane gay men are constantly intrigued that for the price of an off-Broadway show we can get these boys to do almost anything.

It's totally possible, even in this country! Forget it if you go to an underdeveloped country. Last year, Miss Priss went to Brazil and made two brothers suck each other off. It's awful and amusing at the same time. It's a total abuse of power and privilege.

Yet, sex acts with family members still pay better than Walmart.

Where was I? Power, privilege, Walmart, Strangers with Candy....oh we go...

Banged-up boy followed me up Warren Street. I walked all the way to what I call, the "One Ringy-Dingy" Chinese food place.

He followed me into the restaurant, and stood, silently, by the counter next to me.

I handed him a menu and said, "Here, order something, it's on me."

He looked at the menu, and said to the guy, "Sweet and Sour Chicken".

I ordered tofu with steamed vegetables - sauce on the side. Even my Chinese food order seemed gay.

We sat and started talking.

I noticed that his eyes were constantly darting. He was not able to concentrate or focus on me or the conversation. He kept on repeating information.

He has a girlfriend, she has a kid. They live in the basement.

He doesn't have a job. He just came out of the military, he was in Iraq.

He told me about a missile that whizzed by his head, barely missed him.

He has no skills to get a job. He doesn't have a High School degree. He's thinking about applying for a job somewhere in town, at some factory, but he doesn't know. He got the application a couple of weeks ago.

I noticed that his hands were burned and calloused, around the fingers and knuckles, probably the burns from a crack pipe.

Yeah, I thought, I'm NOT taking this one home....NOPE. He doesn't need to know where I live....we're just going to leave it at dinner, and call it a night.

But, you know the drill, folks. He's a hustler. He knows that the queers will pay him $50 or whatever to take his clothes off. Maybe some older queen will pay to suck his dick. That's why the heavy cruising. He knows what he's doing.

But, I didn't think I'd be hustled here in Hudson!! Of all places!

Clutch my pearls!

He finished half of his Chinese food, and was going to save the rest for later. He looked at my unopened container of white rice.

"Do you want that?" he asked me.

"Go for it," I said, and I handed him my rice.

Please, like I was going to eat white rice? Empty carb calories.

He was happy to have the Chinese food to eat, and I was happy that at least I could give him a meal.

But, there you go, folks. That's the war for you. It takes poor kids, chews them up, and spits them back out - no job, on drugs, hustling queers.

Peace, already?

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Hudson Society for the Preservation of Poolboys

Agnes recently attended the annual fundraiser for the "Hudson Society for the Preservation of Poolboys". It seems that there's only one pool boy left in Hudson.

And he really isn't THAT well preserved...thus the fundraiser.

Oh, the glory days of Hudson!! When the factories were still turning, and pool boys were PLENTIFUL!!

These are pool boys of yesteryear:

Hudson was the EPICENTER of poolboys!

Porn companies would leave Van Nuys, California and shoot all of their poolboy porn in Hudson. They loved the 2-3 weeks of summer in upstate New York - perfect poolboy weather!

Even this man started as a Hudson poolboy, before he was discovered and FORCED to play a gay man on Broadway.

The beard? Better to eat your ass with...

OK, folks, TRUE STORY, now:

A high school friend, Scott, runs the pool cleaning service in Fire Island Pines, the GAYEST of all places in the world.

But, Scott, only employees straight boys to clean the pools.

"Scott," I asked, "why do you ONLY have straight boys cleaning pools in Fire Island?"

"Babydoll," he said to me (I think that's how he said it) "this way, the pools get cleaned."

there ya go....a good businessman.