Saturday, June 30, 2007

It's WAR! The North vs. The South...of Warren, that is!

What kind of girl are you?

Are you a South of Warren girl?

Or a North of Warren girl?

South of Warren Girls:

Restaurants: Ca Mea, DA|BA
Exercise: Pilates Hudson
Blow Jobs: Delicate, no teeth. Used to practice on Daddy
Job: Don't work. Use Daddy's trust fund (see blow jobs above)

North of Warren Girls:

Restaurants: Hudson Grand Buffet, Blimpies
Exercise: Kickboxing in the open lot on State and 4th.
Blow Jobs: Known for the best in the Hudson Valley. Beware, since North of Warren girls are so drunk and wasted, they have a tendency to puke on your dick. It's the best head you're going to get, but you might spend the rest of the evening picking vomit chunks out of your pubic hair.
[Editor's note: The blog title DOES SAY "More than you'd care to know"....we warned you.]
Job: Stewarts, Blimpies, busing tables at the Hudson Grand Buffet (you can take leftovers home, see restaurants, above.)

Deconstructing the Register-Star

Agnes is a gardener who knows the good dirt.

What else do you do when you're an over-educated faigeleh in a small town diner and the local guys are giving your capri pants dirty looks? You think that you're superior and you deconstruct things. Here we go:

From the Register-Star, June 30, 2007;
"Sex offender arrested for failing to report his new address"

Okay, fine, I'll tell you where I live...

Actually, there's this guy in Livingston known as "Night Mike Cowboy" sentenced to one to three years in state prison for raping a 16-year-old girl in Ithaca.

I called Agnes, our Hudson living-on-the-streets reporter. Agnes is a old Hudson whore, and remembers the glory days of Hudson.

Until Tshirt sales pick up (be the first in your WARD to wear one!)
, we pay Agnes in cigarettes and scratch-off lottery tickets. How she earns cash, you don't want to know.... hired Agnes because she used to work at the Register-Star....and still has the keys!

I asked Agnes to look into this sex offender story. Apparently, the sex offender "tip" to the police came from Miss Priss, a 40-something gay man, antique store owner, and the president of Hudson B.O.O.B., Hudson's Bottom Owned and Operated Businesses.

Miss Priss, in her South of Warren Street home

In seems that Miss Priss found out that there was a TOP in town and needed to find his address and phone number, by any means necessary.

Agnes went to the antique store this morning and asked Miss Priss, what was she thinking?

Miss Priss responded,

"My MANgina is just as tight as a 16-year old girl's VAgina!"

Miss Priss' employees, standing behind her, just rolled their eyes.

Anyway, when you type "sex offender" into google, this guy's photo appears. (All the information is out there, folks...)

Click here for more details:
RACE: White SEX: Male DOB: 5/12/1984 AGE: 21 HGT: 5'10" WGT: 145 EYE: Brown HAIR: Blonde

He targets adolescent males. You "South of Warren queens" should call him, you already have something in common. He's in Oregon, so don't get too excited...

In the Register-Star, there's a "USA Weekend" insert.

On page two, there's an "article" on actor James McAvoy

(First question, who's cuter, this actor, or the convicted Oregon boy molester above? Tough one, huh?)

Anyway, the Register-Star insert "article" was entitled:

4 Things to know about Scottish actor James McAvoy

"--On being a sex symbol: "Women aren't throwing themselves at me any more than usual, although my wife (actress Anne-Marie Duff) throws herself at me."

OK, this guy's an asshole. He needs to be tied down to the bed, slapped around, spit on, then, a huge dildo forced up his ass. Raw. No lube. He needs some humiliation. Bring him to the Red Dot naked with a collar and leash -- as if anyone would notice....

Point #3 of the article is:

--On co-star Jolie: "Her life is incredibly difficult for many reasons, but she's really nice and normal."

OK, now the problem I have with point #3 is that the "article" is called 4 Things ...about... James McAvoy...I guess one of the things we need to know about James McAvoy is his viewpoint on Angelina Jolie. They could not come up with four interesting things about this guy, so they published his Angelina Jolie opinion.

Oh, and by the way, McAvoy, you think Angelina Jolie's life is difficult?


Talk to Agnes. She'll tell you about difficult, she's lived in Hudson her whole life.


Thursday, June 28, 2007

Miss Priss and her Barbeque

I don't know why I hang out with Miss Priss, my obnoxious 40-something uptight gay Hudson friend.

"You should come," he said to me, regarding his summer barbecue, "You might make a new friend. Just be nice, be friendly. In other words, DON'T be yourself!"

"Fuck you," I said, my usual retort. He's so used to it by now, it has no effect. Happy Happy, Up, Up, fuck you.

Miss Priss decided to welcome summer with a barbecue. She's always looking for a boyfriend, and will find ANY excuse to bring any single men into her boudoir.

It was a nice Saturday afternoon. We were in the backyard. Of course, Miss Priss is on the SOUTH side of Warren Street, her house is a fabulously restored Victorian, original moldings, blah, blah, blah.....

She enjoys giving the "house tour" to anyone new. Each renovation project a stop on the tour. The cost of the project. The initial cost of the house, the money she put into it, the value now....kill me...just kill me.

Like the Metropolitan Museum, she might as well just hand out little audio players and headphones. I have the tour memorized by now.

Miss Priss walks up to me at the beginning of the party and says,

"I bought you the turkey burgers you said you wanted."

"What? No, not TURKEY burgers - VEGGIE burgers!"

"Oh," he says, thinking quickly, "well, they didn't have any veggie burgers at Price Chopper, just these."

"That's a lie, they have TONS of veggie burgers at Price Chopper. What the fuck?"

"It's not meat, it's turkey! Can't you just eat the turkey burgers - I already cooked them!"

"No, I can't just eat them! What part of the word 'VEGETARIAN' are you NOT understanding?"
"Well, then what am I going to do with these turkey burgers?"

"Shove them up your ass, is what you can do with them!"

"Fine. There's potato salad and cold slaw. I made it. You can eat that."

"I don't do mayonnaise either."

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EAT?", he yells at me, for the umpteeth time, "what are you down to fruit and nuts?"

"Nuts", I say, "yes, I like nuts."

I give up on the chances of eating today, and join Miss Priss' friends in the backyard. A young guy comes over to me and asks me if I would like a drink. I recognize him, he's one of the mentally-challenged adults from around town. I tell him I want a Corona.

Miss Priss usually does not have a cocktail waiter at her soirees....hmmm..

When he brings the beer, I ask him,

"So, how's it going today?"


"Do you like waitering?"

"Yeah, it's cool. I'm getting paid."

"Really, that's nice."

"Yeah, $5 an hour."

"Oh." I said, "you know what? I'll be right back..."

I walk over to Miss Priss who's busy grilling the dead animal flesh.

"Excuse me, Prissy, you're paying some guy to be your cocktail waiter?"

"Yes. Isn't that nice? I thought you would like it. Rather philanthropic of me, don't you think?"

"Prissy, you're paying him FIVE DOLLARS an hour! That's not even MINIMUM WAGE!"

"It's OFF THE BOOKS!" he snaps back.

I back slap his arm. "You're taking advantage of the mentally challenged now!?! What the fuck's wrong with you?"

"He's happy with it! Who are you to say anything!"

"Prissy, that's NOT the point! Equal pay for equal work! Just because he's mentally-challenged doesn't mean you pay him less!"

Miss Priss pursed her lips and looked down at me, "Listen, Norma Rae," he said to me, "isn't there a coal mine you should be unionizing somewhere right now?"

"Fuck off!"

I walk over to the waiter and palm him a twenty.

"What's this for?", he asks.

"It's a tip."

"Gee, thanks!" and he smiles. He's a little goofy, but cute.

A cell phone rings, one of the guests answers.

"Hello. Yes.....WHAT? Oh, dear God!"

He stumbles and sits into one of the divan-styled lawn chairs. The other queens gasp and run to his side. Is he having a heart attack?

"AAAAHHHH", he shrieks.

The other queens are fanning him. It's a scene from the antebellum South. He hangs up his cell phone.

"That was my contractor!", he sobs, "The Italian marble tile has been delayed ANOTHER TWO WEEKS! My bathroom will NEVER BE DONE!" He sobs uncontrollably.

The other gay men around him, pat him on the back in sympathy. They all give each other, knowing, solemn glances and nods. They have all felt this pain before.

One of them looks up at me and says to me "Redecorating can be SO STRESSFUL!".

I roll my eyes, turn away and lean against a tree, in my Madonna "Desperately Seeking Susan" pose.

Sigh, I'm back on Long Island, with the bad girls with rubber bracelets and no-finger lace gloves, cutting gym class, giving cold stares to all the Muffy's and Jessica's in their Laura Ashley print dresses.

I'm 37, and I'm back in fucking High School.

I look at this dramatic scene of gay men in front of me, and think, fuck, if THIS is all that's out there, I'm going to be single for long time...

Maybe it's me. Maybe there's something wrong with ME that I can't get that excited over countertops? Maybe that's why at a party, surrounded by gay men, and I'm standing here, by myself, alone.

I can't really think about it too much, I get too upset. It doesn't really matter, least I tell myself that.

"Hey", the waiter says, he was standing next to me, on the other side of the tree. "Do you want anything to drink?"

"Do you have any arsenic?" I ask.

"Um, I don't think we have that..."

"It's Ok...are you having a good time today?" I ask him.

"Well, I'm working."

"So, the answer's no, then? Well, what'd you do, last night? Did you do anything fun?"

"I saw this great movie."

"Really? Which one?" I ask.

"Um, don't laugh.....Jackass Number Two...."


He laughed. "Yeah, it was like, really funny....they're really dangerous...but I really like it."

"Oh my God -- did you see Bam? Bam Margera? And when they got him with the snakes?"

He giggled. "Yeah, he really doesn't like snakes...."

For the rest of the evening, we talked about the Jackass guys! Bam Margera, a dick farm branded on this ass, snakes biting your dick, leeches on your eyeballs, guys giving each other paper was fun!

Miss Priss' party sucked, but she was right, (dammit!), I did make a new friend.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Happy! Happy! Up! Up!

Happy! Happy! Up! Up!

It's my philosophy on life.

I know you probably don't believe me because half of these blog posts are me complaining about "masculine" men in panties, Walmart, DABA and foie gras, the war, and my leaking roof. (BTW, that IS the order of importance.)

Anyway, A friend of mine, a fashionista, used to clap his hands and scream at the models before they went on the catwalk, 'Happy! Happy! Happy! Girls!'

I amended it a little. Happy Happy Up Up!

Everything is GREAT! Everything is FABULOUS! Use it. It works.

I use it at the porn conventions in Vegas, and tell my staff to do the same. When you're at a cocktail party, it's ALL about, "Happy, Happy, Up, Up!"

"Really? You started a new website where straight guys get ganged banged by trannies in the back of a '72 Volkswagon! LOVE IT!! Of course I'll promote it!"

Cocktail parties are great places for Happy Happy, Up Up. Tell a funny story, or just tell someone that their outfit is amazing! Tell them that it looks like they've lost weight. Why not?

You might end up being the one person at the party who had anything nice to say to them...and they will remember it.

And at first, when you do it, it might seem like a facade. Maybe you don't really believe in the Happy, Happy, Up, Up philosophy.

But keep doing it. And after a while, it's not a facade.

Because things really ARE great! Life can be fabulous! Things are good. Cup half-full.

And then, soon, things start happening...that you weren't expecting.

Friendships get closer, you meet other happy people, you feel better. And it's infinite. It just keeps on going!

Things change for the better, but you have to put the energy out there first!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Hudson Society for the Preservation of STRAY

Staff at "manning" the phone lines

The Hudson rumor mill is grinding! What is going on at Stray Bar? Is it for sale?

The corporate telegraph machine (everything in this fucking town is an antique!) has been bouncing off the wall with messages about Stray Bar.

Since our fact checker was in NYC for the Gay Pride parade this past weekend, we had NO IDEA of how to confirm any of the rumors!

(well, I guess we could just email Peggy and find out what's the deal....) received the following. Rumors! Rumors! It's all just RUMORS!

1. The upstate economy is SO BAD, that upstate New York labor is now CHEAPER than Indonesian children and Chinese prisoners. Stray Bar will be converted into a PocketBook Factory. The pocketbooks will continue to be sold in WalMart.

2. The Red Dot will buy the Stray Bar building and open up a new restaurant with a FULL VEGETARIAN MENU! It will also be called, the "Red Dot". Although now, the "Red Dot" will be in reference to the "Bindi", or the red dot worn on the foreheads of Hindu women and men, in this mostly vegetarian culture.

3. Animalkind will buy the building, and keep the name of the bar, "Stray". But the word will no longer have the meaning of STRAY = STRaight + gAY. Instead, "Stray", will refer to the stray animals Animalkind plans on keeping inside.

The "Hudson Society for the Preservation of Stray", in conjunction with Hudson B.O.O.B. (the Hudson Bottom Owned and Operated Businesses) held a meeting last night and decided to try to preserve the Stray Bar and its identity.

For instance, Latin Night at Stray will continue to be Latin Night. Although, someone misunderstood....

The following flyer was posted in town:


Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

It's all just rumors folks. We may never know the truth....

Like I said, we could just email Peggy and confirm if the building is for sale.

But, will leave that level of quality journalism to the "Register-Star".

Friday, June 22, 2007

I bought an old house from Nantucket....

I went to Hudson....

and bought an old house from Nantucket.
My roof leaks into a bucket.
There isn't a man
Who's worth half a damn
And as for the gay scene, oh, FUCK IT!

- RV

Other variations:

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

Which was followed by:

But he followed the pair to Pawtucket,
The man and the girl with the bucket;
And he said to the man,
He was welcome to Nan,
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.

ugh, and the Long Islanders chimed in...

Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset,
Where he still held the cash as an asset,
But Nan and the man
Stole the money and ran,
And as for the bucket, Manhasset.

yeah, I know, it's getting worse....just tell this one at the Red Dot...

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
While wiping his chin,
He said with a grin,
"If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it."

More Men in Panties

Forget it. Now, I'm obsessed. Sorry if this topic doesn't do it for you. I'm all about it now.

Who would've known, all these years, sex clubs, s/m joints, my dna left in almost every East Village dive bar.... Now, I think the next guy I have sex with is going to have to wear some panties!

Just for fun. Why not? Make him my bitch!

Forget it now, I will probably never get laid in I'm doing so well, anyway....

Or, who knows? Now with the panty idea out there, it could be the deluge I've been waiting for! I could have a line of men in silk undergarmets waiting outside my door in Hudson stretching all the way back to Nantucket, where my house is from!

I found, Which is worth a visit. Or, at least the photo pages

OK, I LOVE these photos!!

It's all about the back hair. LOVE IT!

Yes, I am wearing panties, but I am still a man, here is my penis....yes, it's still there...see?

(deep voice) "Hello. Yes. My name is Bill, but you can call me Bertha." I love it. So, un-self-conscious. I wish that I was that free with my body. Just put on a thong and some stockings. So, what if you're 200-300 pounds? Get out the camera! Post it on the Internet!

And this little punk probably skateboards in those....or he's a hedge fund manager.

This is the sophisticated look, like a secretary on the "Bob Newhart Show". Very Suzanne Pleshette.

Look at this ass, it's hot! I'd love to fuck that "pussy"...

Or, "Mangina".

Or, whatever. I guess it would be like fucking a woman, just without the "woman" part(s). And then, after, the two of you could have a beer together, with the satin panties on the floor.

What do I know? Next week, I'll be into something else....stay tuned....

Xanadu and the USC

I debate living in Hudson full time.

I would LOVE to kayak every day....sit in the backyard, garden, see the same old drunks at the Red Dot every night. (It's funny how the drunks just keep telling you the same stories, they forget that they're already told them...)

But, Tuesday night, in Manhattan, at the Helen Hayes theatre, I saw the Broadway musical version of "XANADU". Yes, Xanadu is now a Broadway musical. Seriously. And it's hilarious!!

It's so gay, you have no idea how gay...and they know it's gay.

The theatre was packed! Mostly with blue haired old ladies from who knows where watching gay men prance on a stage. It was a little weird.

The play is very funny. You know the songs; "Suddenly", "Evil Woman", "Magic". Very 1980. Leg warmers. Roller skates. Fake Australian accents. LOVE IT!

Go see it.

What else? Last night, I went to the Union Square Cafe, Danny Meirer's first restaurant, and one of the highest rated NYC restaurants in the Zagat guide.

The food was excellent! The service phenomenal!

The service was so good, that I thought the waiter was flirting with me....maybe he was...or maybe he was just being a good waiter. Hard to tell.

This means that the service was so good, you weren't really sure if you were going to get another drink or a blow job.

I like restaurants on the edge like that.

The Union Square Cafe is not too stuffy (no jacket required), tables and chairs were roomy and not too close together. You could hear the people talk at your table. It was not pretentious....although not cheap, either.

Union Square Cafe vs. the Red Dot?? Whaddaya think?

Any comments?

And the product I'm pushing today is the stuffed teddy need it.
Give it to your young niece or nephew. This way, they can visit and learn about strap-on dildos early on in life. They will be prepared.

It's a brave new world, folks! Be ready.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

MASC men into wearing PANTIES

I'm still bored.

More Craigslist. Oh, I need a better distraction..I have to admit, the photo is hot. Nice ass, right? Too bad he's wearing one of Grandma's doilies.

Can someone PLEASE tell these guys that BY DEFINITION, if you WEAR PANTIES, then you ARE NOT MASCULINE!!

This is his ad:
Yea, masc even when wearing. Looking for HUNG MASC GUYS who understand this and get into turning a masc guy like me into his pantied slut bitch.

Tall, good looking, cleancut, lean tight body, hung thick, smooth muscle butt.

Gay, Str8, Bi, whichever label just be ht/wt prop and dd free.

Reply with stats...your pic?


I like the label, "Slut Bitch".

Here's another one:

Goodlooking, athletic, totally masc bottom guy, 5 10, 180, bln/blu, mostly smooth, just home from the bars and a little buzzed, would love to take a shower and then slip on a pair of my ex gf's panties and wait in my bed for a hot dom top guy to come over and make me his girl. Into oral, definitely anal, light kink, being submissive. Could be a one time or discreet ongoing thing.

I don't really need to make stuff up. If I made it up, no one would believe me...

OK, straight girls, you know that this is your worst nightmare. You find out that your "man" likes to wear your panties, and then get fucked up the ass by some guy.

What's a girl to do?

MEANWHILE, he could have just bought THIS, the thong!

Monday, June 18, 2007

Walmart True Stories

The following story was submitted by Agnes. It's by one of her Hudson "John's".
I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standinginline at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the waythat it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was bynow enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

Sunday, June 17, 2007

The Store is NOW OPEN!!!

OK Folks,

Countless hours I spend doing this blog....

Does it make money? No.

Do I get laid from it? No.

Has anyone ever bought me a drink at the Red Dot? Once.

(thank you, I owe you one...)

But, NOW, you can spend money on!! The Store is NOW OPEN!!!

(keep in mind, the logo on the merchandise is the blue whale, not the green one...I'm fixing the main logo....)


Buy the Tshirt! Wear it around town! GET LAID!

I mean, look at this shit. A THROW PILLOW! You MUST OWN IT!!!

I mean, it's just too fucking hysterical.

How about an organic cotton Tshirt?

Handmade, by lesbian vegans in Massachusetts, I'm sure.

Just buy it.

You spend your money on all sorts of other useless crap, why not this?

This will at least get people talking to you in a bar. You might even get a blow job.

Fuck, I might even blow you if I find you wearing it....maybe...

Friday, June 15, 2007

Our New Logo...

Hi Folks,

This is the NEW LOGO for!

I'm unveiling it today.

I'll set it up this weekend, so you can buy Tshirts, frisbees, shit like that.

Whaddaya think? Not bad, huh?

(BTW, it's already paid you can comment, but it ain't is what it is...)

And who would've thunk? The post with the HIGHEST number of comments this week?


I spend HOURS, writing stupid-ass shit, and what do you queens comment on?

A bad photo of Liza.


I give up! Fine. Here's more photos of Liza. ENJOY!

LIZA, LIZA, LIZA......with a Z