Thursday, January 28, 2010

The New Virtual Boyfriend

Before I write these blog pieces about dating, you should know that the legal department reviews all material.

There are strict guidelines.

1. No 'real' names are to be used.

2. A 'statue of limitations' time must pass.

3. Blog pieces are 'based upon' reality. Which means that there's a SMIDGEN of reality, and the rest I make up - kinda like those TV shows.

4. If it is a 'TRUE STORY', then the " Code" must preface the piece. The code is: "This is a true story."

Got it?

Ok - let's begin....

Something weirdo is happening in the world of dating....I'm going to call it the 'virtual boyfriend'.

It might be the same for straight people, but their lives are so far from my daily existence, that I can't really vouch for them. I'm sure they have their own blogs.

I met this guy, months ago, in a person.

He seemed pleasant enough.

We talked, he seemed very flirty, I gave him my number.


I never heard back.

I didn't really think about it too much.

Then, one night, months later, I get a text - out of the blue! I texted back, 'Who is this?'


....yeah, that's helpful....

Anyway, I thought about it, and I figured it was one or two guys......fine.

I texted back and forth....and the texts got all flirty and fun.

Neat, I thought, this guy is kinda fun, and if it was one of the two guys, I figured, well he's cute enough and it would be worth a date.

At night, he sent me a good night text. Sweet.

In the morning, a good morning text.....and a big text kiss......sweet....I guess...

I was going along with it, having fun.

Then, I get a text the next day....

'I think you might be the ONE.'

WHAT??? I'm the ONE?

Wait....I texted back....'um, we need to go on a date first.'

Red flag number one.

This guy was serious. Yeah, we met and talked at the bar, but.....I'm the ONE?

Please.....he doesn't know me....and he didn't know about TRIXIE!

So, how could I be the ONE?

Or, the TWO?

This guy had no idea.

I realized that it was not about me at all. He didn't know ME, and it didn't matter.

He just wants a badly....that pretty much, he will project boyfriend-like feelings on anyone.

Anyway, I arrange a date for that weekend.

He tells me that I'm the 'ONE', and he can't get it together to arrange a date...I have to do it.

Red flag number two. Lameness.

I plan a date to go to a movie at the mall. I figure, I could always go shopping at Banana Republic before, this way, it's not a waste of time.

Hey, I'm busy!

We go on the date, and he's dead wood. Totally unemotional. Blah. Not a joke, not a laugh, nothing.

Gone are the kissy-kissy flirty, 'I-want-to-suck-your-dick-and-hold-you-all-night-long" texts.

Yeah, that's over.

He's unable to communicate in person. In text/digital format, he's a wonderful boyfriend....caring, sexy, emotionally available, funny!

In real life, cold and stoic.

During the date, I text my "gal" pal, Trudy, who was waiting, anxiously. Trudy texts, 'maybe he's just shy, give him a chance.'


I sit through dinner with him.

He tells me about his life......

Every relationship in his life is miserable!!!! His family, his friends, his roommate!

Me? I was really trying to be perky, fun, lively! (I can do 'perky', if I want....shut up!)

I asked, 'How was your holiday?'

'Oh, my family and I don't get along....and then my friends went out, and they got really drunk, and I didn't want to stay around with them.....'


I ate quickly, got the check, and got out of there.

If he was HALF the guy he was in his texts, it could have been fun.....he was a good VIRTUAL boyfriend, but that's it.

The last text I sent him was 'you need to do less texting and more licking!'

I didn't hear back.

Oh well - at least the movie was good.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Retro Week

It was "Retro Week" on facebook...everyone was encouraged to post an old photo of themselves.

Here's me in Elementary School.

....thanks to

Friday, January 15, 2010

More BINGO Tuesday, Jan 19th!!!

Come to BINGO on Tuesday, at pm, the wine bar.

Why not?

What else are you doing on a Tuesday night?

Watching TV?


Thursday, January 14, 2010

What's Next, Trix?

The new sign by the waterfront.
I'm not "translating" it for have to go down there and read it for yourself.

I know, I haven't been keeping this blog up-to-date.

Sometimes, I just don't have anything to say.

One of my biggest pet peeve (well, ONE of my many pet peeves, I should say) is people who talk a lot, but say nothing.

Another one of my pet peeves is writing with dangling prepositions. Yeah, I know it's easy to have a dangling preposition, and sometimes, there's no easy answer --- you have to re-write the entire sentence!

Then do it! Don't be lazy. There's no excuse.

Anyway, let's go back to people talking too much. I dated this one guy once, very oral.

Which was GREAT during sex!!!

After the sex, he just keep talking....non-stop....about things that were totally irrelevant!!

The price of gas.

A pregnant co-worker.

The thread count of the sheets.

I keep thinking, "....shut up...can you just shut up? please? "

The things you endure for a good blow job.....really...

Speaking of blow jobs, I was down by the Hudson Waterfront the other day....and there was a new sign! See above.

I don't know who put it there. Someone did. You can go down to the waterfront and read it yourself. There's a story, too.

I think this town needs a new 'walking tour' guide. I think there already is one...but....that won't stop me.


Jason's Upstairs Bar is having a closing party on January 30th.

ok --- true story ----

The Black Party, this past September, was my 40th birthday party.

It's a typical Trixie's Whorehouse party. Everyone's out dancing, and having fun, and GIO is there, spinning. My friends and neighbors are all there, and people are giving me gifts and wishing me happy birthday. Erika pulls out a cake, the whole bar sings 'Happy Birthday'. It was all very, very sweet.

Then, all of a sudden, there are about five people hovering around me, with their cell phones! Jason is texting everyone!!!

'Tell Trixie to meet me in the back! It's urgent!'

OMG...I think....something stupid is happening.

"Something stupid" usually happens. It's nothing major, just something stupid. Like, someone loses something, or the fire department shows up for a pulled alarm....

....something stupid....

I grab GIO and pull him back with me.

I blame him for everything that goes wrong....whether it's his fault or not.

He takes it well.....the blame, that is.

By the time we get to the back of the bar, I'm a wreck. What could it be NOW?

I walk into the back room, and Jason pulls out a little black box and wishes me 'Happy Birthday'. I wanted to kill him.

It's a necklace, made by his wife, in the shop downstairs. It's simple; a single piece hand-molded jewelry.

I wear it everyday.

It reminds me of the thoughtfulness of Jason and his wife, Shana, and it reminds me of that night, when a bar-full of people sang 'Happy Birthday' to me.

If I'm out of town, I look into the mirror and see it, and it brings me home. It reminds me that you can find an abundance of happiness and love, even in a little town called 'Hudson'.

Thank you,

Sunday, January 3, 2010

BINGO Madness this Tuesday night Jan 5th at pm!

A gal can only make so much money on Warren Street.

Sometimes, you need to get out of town, make some cash, and bring it back to little old Hudson.

That's what I've been doing.

My house, it ain't gonna repair itself.

And me? No, I don't do any construction work. Are you serious?

You want me to put up dry wall? Please.

Trix has to make the cash so that someone else, some burly man or lesbian, can do it for me.

Anyway, when I'm in between jobs, or work is slow, and I have nothing else better to do, I plan a night of BINGO at pm, the wine bar.

I enjoy calling BINGO numbers. I try to tell some stupid lewd story, which usually gets misconstrued and comes back to haunt me the next day.

It doesn't really matter. At this point in my life, WHAT could anyone possibly say about me that hasn't been said.

True story...

I'm in the train station in Baltimore....and John Waters is there, SCREAMING into his cell phone.

True story....really...

And he's screaming,

"What did she say about me? I want to know, what did she say?"

And I'm thinking.......

'John, really, after you've made a movie with a singing asshole, does it really matter?'

Come to Trixie's BINGO Madness!
You never know what the prizes will be!